When I first heard that they were making a Doom movie my first thought was "Oh great, I wonder how they're going to fuck this up." My second thought was "Its probably going to be about genetic engineering." My third thought was "I need to pee."
Shares a name with the video game, shares a few terms and weapons, shares characters. Is not DOOM.
Doom was about demons overrunning a scientific outpost on Mars (and later Earth), Doom the Movie decides to pander to the audience of the early 2000's and throw the actual plot of the game in the bin in order to make a story about genetic hybrids.
God, it's been done! And not very well I might add (admittedly 28 Days Later loosely involved gene splicing as the initial catalyst for the disaster that followed, and it was a good film).
However The Rock once again proves that he can in fact act (apart from one scene which was a total mess on all parts) and does manage to save a bit of face for the show, and the innovative first person sequence was enjoyable but I can see why they decided not to do it for the whole film.
There were some nice tongue in cheek references to the game heritage, such as the Pinky Demon and Sarge (The Rock) saying the actual real world meaning of the 'BFG' abbreviation.
The action isn't bad and the 'silvery blue eyes in the otherwise black sewer' scene is creepy as fuck, so as an action movie along the Predator lines Doom fares quite well, you just have to forget that it is supposed to be about Hell crossing over.
In this case it's more like Hell freezing over.
Rating: C
Wednesday 21 November 2007
Cliffhanger
Cliched. I'm really not sure how much more I can say.
"You want to kill me, don't you Tucker. Well take a number and get in line."
The dialogue never gets any better. Some of the action isn't bad though, but there are better action movies out there.
Rating: E
"You want to kill me, don't you Tucker. Well take a number and get in line."
The dialogue never gets any better. Some of the action isn't bad though, but there are better action movies out there.
Rating: E
Kingdom of Heaven: The Directors Cut
Kingdom of Heaven was an alright film, on an average day I would give it 3/5. The Directors Cut on the other hand really ties the film together and goes into far greater depth about the actual final years of the short lived Kingdom of Jerusalem, the characters are explored in far greater detail and the hypocrisies and lunacies of religion are properly highlighted. As someone who is a great lover of Middle Eastern History (more so Byzantine, but apart from maybe Islam nobody cared more about that territory) Kingdom of Heaven: The Directors Cut is a very enjoyable cinematic experience. As an added bonus the movie also helps to remove some of the deific reputation that has grown up around the Knights Templar thanks to modern mythology and shows them to be much the same as any other knights- bloodthirsty bastards.
Rating: A
Rating: A
Monday 19 November 2007
Interview With The Vampire
Perfectly cast and excellently played.
Tom Cruise excels as the charismatic (and slightly homoerotic) Lestat who by now has seen it all and done most of it, and a young Brad Pitt is on fine form as Louis who too late realizes the true meaning of the unlife that has been afforded him. Antonio Banderas is superb as the bored Armand and a 12 year old Kirsten Dunst gives a phenomenal performance.
Its not a deep film, you certainly should not be seeking the meaning of life or a morality tale highlighting the pitfalls of hedonism. I imagine that hedonism probably has more tits in it.
It is simply a gothic tale of the life of a vampire with excellent set pieces, fantastic delivery and full of intense dialogue. And personally speaking, I love how it ends, "You know, I've had to put up with that for centuries" (that isn't the last line, but to say anymore may spoil it).
Anyone who wants to complain that the movie isn't as good as the novel... go suck on a lollipop and stop whining like a child. The film adaptations are almost never ever better than the novel so stop trying to tell us what we already know. And don't ever say that this is a movie for girls because of the 'poster boys', it was thinking like that which stopped me from seeing 'Fight Club' in the cinema.
Rating: B
Tom Cruise excels as the charismatic (and slightly homoerotic) Lestat who by now has seen it all and done most of it, and a young Brad Pitt is on fine form as Louis who too late realizes the true meaning of the unlife that has been afforded him. Antonio Banderas is superb as the bored Armand and a 12 year old Kirsten Dunst gives a phenomenal performance.
Its not a deep film, you certainly should not be seeking the meaning of life or a morality tale highlighting the pitfalls of hedonism. I imagine that hedonism probably has more tits in it.
It is simply a gothic tale of the life of a vampire with excellent set pieces, fantastic delivery and full of intense dialogue. And personally speaking, I love how it ends, "You know, I've had to put up with that for centuries" (that isn't the last line, but to say anymore may spoil it).
Anyone who wants to complain that the movie isn't as good as the novel... go suck on a lollipop and stop whining like a child. The film adaptations are almost never ever better than the novel so stop trying to tell us what we already know. And don't ever say that this is a movie for girls because of the 'poster boys', it was thinking like that which stopped me from seeing 'Fight Club' in the cinema.
Rating: B
Tuesday 23 October 2007
The Constant Gardener
The Constant Gardener is very, very good. This film oozes mystery and love, a 'James Bond' for an audience after more than just sex and explosions. Although it has the same basic theme as certain other movies, such as 'Lord of War' and 'Blood Diamond' it manages to get the message across without being preachy or disturbing the story that it is trying to tell. Personally, I am glad that I have seen this film.
Rating: A
Rating: A
The Last Kiss
Pretty decent story and the script itself is top notch, but Zach Braff, an actor whom I normally enjoy (thanks Scrubs) is unconvincing and at times even quite wooden. Like I said though, the script is good and the way the stories of the four friends mesh together does make for an otherwise enjoyable film.
Rating: C
Rating: C
Thursday 16 August 2007
Jarhead
Homage, it's called a homage.
That has to be the only explanation as to why 90% of the dialogue has came straight from an internet script for Full Metal Jacket.
I forgive this fault though. Why Vast? Well I forgive it because it is Jamie Foxx delivering most of the borrowed dialogue and he is very, very good.
A film about being bored without taking on the nature of it's topic, frankly I have to call that a success.
Admittedly it is a tad anticlimactic, but then so was the real Gulf War so its about as good as you can expect really.
There is a fairly decent story to the film and plenty of dark humour to keep you entertained, and every scene with Jamie Foxx in it is worth watching (can you tell that I have great respect for his acting ability?).
I don't want to suck him off or anything.
Rating: A commendable B
That has to be the only explanation as to why 90% of the dialogue has came straight from an internet script for Full Metal Jacket.
I forgive this fault though. Why Vast? Well I forgive it because it is Jamie Foxx delivering most of the borrowed dialogue and he is very, very good.
A film about being bored without taking on the nature of it's topic, frankly I have to call that a success.
Admittedly it is a tad anticlimactic, but then so was the real Gulf War so its about as good as you can expect really.
There is a fairly decent story to the film and plenty of dark humour to keep you entertained, and every scene with Jamie Foxx in it is worth watching (can you tell that I have great respect for his acting ability?).
I don't want to suck him off or anything.
Rating: A commendable B
Monday 30 July 2007
Alien Versus Predator
Bad Paul Anderson, bad boy! Go to bed, no cookies for you.
I can only pray that this film is never considered as canon. Where to begin... how about where the Queen's blood reacts with ice (water being the most inert substance KNOWN TO MAN)? No, how about that according to the film the first poor saps got face hugged, impregnated, birthed and then the chestbursters grew to full Xenomorphs in less than 10 minutes?! Seriously, the pyramid reconfigures for the first time, and a group gets face hugged, 10 minutes later it reconfigures for the second time and it shows a rather attractive yet somewhat menacing blond woman go through the usual 'Uugh, Oh no, not again...' moment, then a guy falls in a hole and there is a Xenomorph waiting, actually there are several but at this point nothing makes sense anymore. How about the fact that according to all (repeat 'ALL') AVP canon Predator steel is immune to Xenomorph blood yet the Celtic Predator's weapons melt, then only slightly later in the movie after he is dead all other Predator weapons are back to their immune stage? Did the Celtic Predator forget to enter 'IDDQD' into his wristpad or something? The goofs in the script are too many to list here, face it Paul (Anderson) you suck, but the goofs in the filming are unforgivable. Like the fact that the Scar Predator's methane link (the Pred's breathe methane, in case you haven't read the series) swaps sides on his helmet several times over the course of the film. I'm listing no more, but I'm sure that IMDB has plenty.
As an action film it is grand, quite enjoyable in fact, but as something that is supposed to fit into the AVP universe it is complete bullshit. A note to anyone who disagrees, AVP is set in the ALIEN universe of the 25th Century NOT the Predator universe of now, so it sucks as a game translation as well.
And don't even get me started on that bullshit about the pyramids! There's what, 1500 years difference between the construction of the Pyramids on the Nile delta and those on the Yucatan, and Cambodia hasn't even been considered yet. That is nothing more than tripe for Hollywood faithfuls and Atlantis worshipers who have never actually read anything about the Atlantis Myth.
The only thing that they (and when I say they I mean Paul Anderson again) nearly got right was the strength of the Xenomorphs. The fight with the Celtic Predator versus the 'Grid Alien' might have looked a little excessive to some, but in reality the Predator was lucky that he lasted so long. In 'Aliens' the moment when they came up against the solid steel blast door it was a case of thump-thump-thump-thump-thump-SMASH, all canon reference indicates that the Xenomorphs are stupidly strong compared to anything of comparable size.
Rating: E See me after class
*IDDQD is an old 'Doom' reference. It's the God mode cheat for the original games, doesn't work in Doom3 though, tight one.
I can only pray that this film is never considered as canon. Where to begin... how about where the Queen's blood reacts with ice (water being the most inert substance KNOWN TO MAN)? No, how about that according to the film the first poor saps got face hugged, impregnated, birthed and then the chestbursters grew to full Xenomorphs in less than 10 minutes?! Seriously, the pyramid reconfigures for the first time, and a group gets face hugged, 10 minutes later it reconfigures for the second time and it shows a rather attractive yet somewhat menacing blond woman go through the usual 'Uugh, Oh no, not again...' moment, then a guy falls in a hole and there is a Xenomorph waiting, actually there are several but at this point nothing makes sense anymore. How about the fact that according to all (repeat 'ALL') AVP canon Predator steel is immune to Xenomorph blood yet the Celtic Predator's weapons melt, then only slightly later in the movie after he is dead all other Predator weapons are back to their immune stage? Did the Celtic Predator forget to enter 'IDDQD' into his wristpad or something? The goofs in the script are too many to list here, face it Paul (Anderson) you suck, but the goofs in the filming are unforgivable. Like the fact that the Scar Predator's methane link (the Pred's breathe methane, in case you haven't read the series) swaps sides on his helmet several times over the course of the film. I'm listing no more, but I'm sure that IMDB has plenty.
As an action film it is grand, quite enjoyable in fact, but as something that is supposed to fit into the AVP universe it is complete bullshit. A note to anyone who disagrees, AVP is set in the ALIEN universe of the 25th Century NOT the Predator universe of now, so it sucks as a game translation as well.
And don't even get me started on that bullshit about the pyramids! There's what, 1500 years difference between the construction of the Pyramids on the Nile delta and those on the Yucatan, and Cambodia hasn't even been considered yet. That is nothing more than tripe for Hollywood faithfuls and Atlantis worshipers who have never actually read anything about the Atlantis Myth.
The only thing that they (and when I say they I mean Paul Anderson again) nearly got right was the strength of the Xenomorphs. The fight with the Celtic Predator versus the 'Grid Alien' might have looked a little excessive to some, but in reality the Predator was lucky that he lasted so long. In 'Aliens' the moment when they came up against the solid steel blast door it was a case of thump-thump-thump-thump-thump-SMASH, all canon reference indicates that the Xenomorphs are stupidly strong compared to anything of comparable size.
Rating: E See me after class
*IDDQD is an old 'Doom' reference. It's the God mode cheat for the original games, doesn't work in Doom3 though, tight one.
Sunday 29 July 2007
Thursday 26 July 2007
Alone in the Dark
There is no reason for this film to exist.
Rating: E (and that is only because Tara Reid is in it)
Rating: E (and that is only because Tara Reid is in it)
Tuesday 24 July 2007
Transformers (2007)
Needed a Stan Bush soundtrack.
Apart from that I was quite impressed.
As I predicted the action scenes were top notch (thank you Michael Bay, seriously dude stick to action movies and you can't go wrong).
I loved the tongue in cheek references to the 1986 movie, such as the 'one shall stand, one shall fall' speech and the part in which Jazz takes on Devestator and his initial attack (swinging around Devestator's cannon) directly mirrors Cup's attack on Blitzwing during the Siege of Autobot City.
Megatron kicks all ass though. Seriously. Prime is good, he even rips off a Decepticon's head at one point, but Megatron basically pimp-slaps him into the ground and is only defeated by what is realistically a cheap shot.
And bonus points for the scene in Sam "Spike's" bedroom when the parents walk in, I'm spoiling nothing but I laughed hard.
There were a couple of unresolved plot issues, one of which was sort of dealt with during the end credits but the other felt a bit like a 'I hope they forgot about him' sort of thing.
Lets talk balls.
When four Autobots managed to cause such devastation upon their arrival how did Bumblebee and EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DECEPTICON manage to arrive on Earth with mankind completely oblivious to the fact and probably standing with their fingers in their collective arses.
And this crap about 'The Cube'. Just what the Transformers universe needed, another fucking origin story, as if a spate of bad cartoons (including all the modern nonsense with robots for some reason needing to breathe heavily during technicolor anime action sequences). Thank you Michael Bay, thank you from the bottom of my black little heart for bothering to read into the world at all. I suppose that I should be glad that you allowed Optimus Prime remain as a truck.
Overall though I was impressed enough not to give it a worse rating and the only thing that could have made the 21 year wait better was if Ironhide had voiced his opinion that it was time to bust some deceptichops.
Rating: An undisguised B
Apart from that I was quite impressed.
As I predicted the action scenes were top notch (thank you Michael Bay, seriously dude stick to action movies and you can't go wrong).
I loved the tongue in cheek references to the 1986 movie, such as the 'one shall stand, one shall fall' speech and the part in which Jazz takes on Devestator and his initial attack (swinging around Devestator's cannon) directly mirrors Cup's attack on Blitzwing during the Siege of Autobot City.
Megatron kicks all ass though. Seriously. Prime is good, he even rips off a Decepticon's head at one point, but Megatron basically pimp-slaps him into the ground and is only defeated by what is realistically a cheap shot.
And bonus points for the scene in Sam "Spike's" bedroom when the parents walk in, I'm spoiling nothing but I laughed hard.
There were a couple of unresolved plot issues, one of which was sort of dealt with during the end credits but the other felt a bit like a 'I hope they forgot about him' sort of thing.
Lets talk balls.
When four Autobots managed to cause such devastation upon their arrival how did Bumblebee and EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DECEPTICON manage to arrive on Earth with mankind completely oblivious to the fact and probably standing with their fingers in their collective arses.
And this crap about 'The Cube'. Just what the Transformers universe needed, another fucking origin story, as if a spate of bad cartoons (including all the modern nonsense with robots for some reason needing to breathe heavily during technicolor anime action sequences). Thank you Michael Bay, thank you from the bottom of my black little heart for bothering to read into the world at all. I suppose that I should be glad that you allowed Optimus Prime remain as a truck.
Overall though I was impressed enough not to give it a worse rating and the only thing that could have made the 21 year wait better was if Ironhide had voiced his opinion that it was time to bust some deceptichops.
Rating: An undisguised B
Monday 16 July 2007
Cinematic Regrets number 2
Chose to see Spiderman 3 in the cinema instead of Hot Fuzz.
Bigger regret, did not see Fight Club in the cinema because thanks to my sister and her love for Brad Pitt I looked at the poster and went "If that pretty boy is in it then it can't be good". I know that I am not the only one who was fooled by this, but it is quite shameful nonetheless.
Bigger regret, did not see Fight Club in the cinema because thanks to my sister and her love for Brad Pitt I looked at the poster and went "If that pretty boy is in it then it can't be good". I know that I am not the only one who was fooled by this, but it is quite shameful nonetheless.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Not bad, in fact quite enjoyable considering that for half the film I really had to go to the toilet (a fact which ruined Casino Royale for me the first time around). I would dare to say that this film was actually 'very good' and a worthwhile 30 mile journey to the halfway house cinema that serves as the regular review den for myself and Cheshire Puss (the third reviewer for this site who has yet to bother his arse signing up).
**SPOILER ALERT**
I can't point out what I perceive to have been faults with this film without giving away certain elements of the plot, so please be sure that you want to read further before you do, and afterwards don't say that you weren't warned.
Ok, Sirius Black, the very last remnant of Harry Potter's family dies quite suddenly in battle. Fair enough. There's a bit of anger from Harry and then a short confrontation with Voldemort then the entire thing is essentially glossed over. WTF. The last remnant of his family gone and at the end all they have to show for it is a conversation with Dumbledore that lasts less than a minute, somewhat anti climactic and this conversation also fails to acknowledge another serious plot point from the novel series (read it yourself). To be honest the ending feels very rushed, but nowhere near as much as Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith, I should stress this. Harry Potter 5's ending was rushed but at least it made sense. I could say that Helena Bohnam Carter deserved more screen time but it is clear from this film that she will have a much larger role in the sequel, much like 'The Prisoner of Azkeban' was Gary Oldman's introductory piece so too was this for HBC (Oh God I sooooo wanted Gary Oldman to do something evil, even just some little thing so that I could remember that he is GARY OLDMAN, THE MAN TO WHOM EVIL IS BUT A PLAYTHING). I also thought that the Voldemort/Harry mental link could be done have been a bit darker, but that really was more personal preference and probably would have raised the BBFC rating of the show. The 'who sent the Dementors thing' at the start of the movie is completely glossed over with an 'Oh it must have been Voldemort', if you haven't read the book I'll tell you now, it wasn't. And the involvement of Lucius Malfoy and the other Death Eaters was woefully under-explained, for all intents and purposes they were just hanging out there for the craic. Kudos for the Miss Umbridge part though, they really, really did make me hate her.
Wow, I found more wrong there than I thought I would, and I'm not even a fan of the books.
Rating: A not undeserved B
**SPOILER ALERT**
I can't point out what I perceive to have been faults with this film without giving away certain elements of the plot, so please be sure that you want to read further before you do, and afterwards don't say that you weren't warned.
Ok, Sirius Black, the very last remnant of Harry Potter's family dies quite suddenly in battle. Fair enough. There's a bit of anger from Harry and then a short confrontation with Voldemort then the entire thing is essentially glossed over. WTF. The last remnant of his family gone and at the end all they have to show for it is a conversation with Dumbledore that lasts less than a minute, somewhat anti climactic and this conversation also fails to acknowledge another serious plot point from the novel series (read it yourself). To be honest the ending feels very rushed, but nowhere near as much as Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith, I should stress this. Harry Potter 5's ending was rushed but at least it made sense. I could say that Helena Bohnam Carter deserved more screen time but it is clear from this film that she will have a much larger role in the sequel, much like 'The Prisoner of Azkeban' was Gary Oldman's introductory piece so too was this for HBC (Oh God I sooooo wanted Gary Oldman to do something evil, even just some little thing so that I could remember that he is GARY OLDMAN, THE MAN TO WHOM EVIL IS BUT A PLAYTHING). I also thought that the Voldemort/Harry mental link could be done have been a bit darker, but that really was more personal preference and probably would have raised the BBFC rating of the show. The 'who sent the Dementors thing' at the start of the movie is completely glossed over with an 'Oh it must have been Voldemort', if you haven't read the book I'll tell you now, it wasn't. And the involvement of Lucius Malfoy and the other Death Eaters was woefully under-explained, for all intents and purposes they were just hanging out there for the craic. Kudos for the Miss Umbridge part though, they really, really did make me hate her.
Wow, I found more wrong there than I thought I would, and I'm not even a fan of the books.
Rating: A not undeserved B
Die Hard 4.0 (aka Live Free, Die Hard)
This movie is good. It's a Die Hard flick, there is a standard.
Bruce Willis also looks exceptionally bald, the fact that he has shaved his head actually accentuates the baldness because you can see the stubble where the hair is growing back.
It's not a bad film, and the plot isn't too ludicrous, but I did feel slightly that it wasn't a Die Hard. There was a tendency to over-rely on gunfights and cheap stunts rather than focus on the everyday-cop-against-tremendous-odds charm that brought the franchise into it's own, indeed John McClane seems now to be more of a Hollywood tough guy than the wise-cracking detective that constantly got his ass kicked but somehow managed to come through in the end. At one point he even has to shoot himself to make up for the fact that the bad guys are doing such a piss poor job at doing so.
It's alright as an action movie, but it isn't really a Die Hard. Do not expect to be blown away. I won't touch on the subject of his daughter, that debate could go either way, and frankly I think that the only reason that Kevin Smith was in this movie was to lend it some cult credos.
This is a movie designed for action junkies and I can't help but feel that it is going to be the start of a trend of disappointing sequels to much loved franchises.
Rating: An unfortunate D
Bruce Willis also looks exceptionally bald, the fact that he has shaved his head actually accentuates the baldness because you can see the stubble where the hair is growing back.
It's not a bad film, and the plot isn't too ludicrous, but I did feel slightly that it wasn't a Die Hard. There was a tendency to over-rely on gunfights and cheap stunts rather than focus on the everyday-cop-against-tremendous-odds charm that brought the franchise into it's own, indeed John McClane seems now to be more of a Hollywood tough guy than the wise-cracking detective that constantly got his ass kicked but somehow managed to come through in the end. At one point he even has to shoot himself to make up for the fact that the bad guys are doing such a piss poor job at doing so.
It's alright as an action movie, but it isn't really a Die Hard. Do not expect to be blown away. I won't touch on the subject of his daughter, that debate could go either way, and frankly I think that the only reason that Kevin Smith was in this movie was to lend it some cult credos.
This is a movie designed for action junkies and I can't help but feel that it is going to be the start of a trend of disappointing sequels to much loved franchises.
Rating: An unfortunate D
Wednesday 27 June 2007
Cinematic Regrets
My greatest cinematic regret to date is not buying the limited edition Die Hard 'Best of the Vest' DVD box set. Simply for the name, I ended up buying an HMV 'gift set' version of the trilogy but I can't help feel that it is lacking that certain "he's just a man, with a man's courage" Flash Gordon feel. Also I already owned the Die Hard with a Vengeance 2 disc set and I was disappointed that the HMV set lacks all the special features (such as the none too shabby alternate ending).
Anyhoo, the Die Hard Trilogy is a thing of beauty and I look forward to the next installment.
Anyhoo, the Die Hard Trilogy is a thing of beauty and I look forward to the next installment.
Sunday 17 June 2007
Top Gun
Ask anyone to name the most homoerotic film of all time and almost to a man the answer will be Top Gun, it's probably something to do with all the ass slapping in that volleyball scene. As an action movie Top Gun does however fare well, the fact that they used real F-14s and Migs to film the airborne stuff really paid off for the crew and the flying therefore is as about as real as it can get. Tom Cruise is an actor whom I have great respect for (as an actor, I don't have much patience for Scientology) and he is convincing as the on-edge flyboy Maverick, and I have to admit that he does exude a certain charisma on-screen. The role of Ice-Man seems tailor made for Val Kilmer, mostly because it doesn't require much emotional input, but also because personality-wise Kilmer is the perfect Yin to Cruise's Yang.
The musical score is excellently arranged, with just the right amount of hard-rockin' hero stuff, coupled with the mandatory love soundtrack and topped off by the awesome Top Gun Anthem.
Rating: B
The musical score is excellently arranged, with just the right amount of hard-rockin' hero stuff, coupled with the mandatory love soundtrack and topped off by the awesome Top Gun Anthem.
Rating: B
Saturday 16 June 2007
Transformers: The Movie (2007 Remastered Edition)
Transformers: The Movie (1986) is pretty much my all time favourite film. Seriously. The death toll is rivaled only by Star Wars (if you count the Death Star's body count on Alderaan). So this movie is still great, excellent voice acting, awesome and somewhat gruesome plot (considering that this is still a cartoon at the end of the day), and some great talent behind it all.
My main gripes come from this remastered version. They have done away with the 'Flash Gordon' style scrolling text after the main titles (for those of you not 'in the know' think of the scrolling text in Star Wars... 'It is a hard time for the rebels, princess Leia has decided to bring the data to the rebel HQ rather than simply transmit it and oddly enough she has been tracked'. You know it from Star Wars, but the old Flash Gordon TV series did it about 20 years before Star Wars was a spark of monetary potential in George Lucas' messed up, CQI happy mind). Anyway, so they did away with the scrolling titles and instead put in a 'Superman-opening-sequence' style credit sequence, which wouldn't be so annoying except they do not even mention the voice actors of Optimus Prime or Megatron. Should I repeat that? Megatron it is possibly understandable, but considering that they have remastered this in order to raise hype for the forthcoming live action Transformers movie you would think that they could at least have mentioned Peter Cullens since he will be reprising his role as Optimus Prime in Michael Bay's version.
Those are my gripes, this film still rules, but the remastered version rules less so than the original. I should note that I suspect that they have completely redone the animation for the film given how 'complete' the set pieces all look, it isn't just new crayons over old colours here.
Rating: A (it's ORSON WELLES for God's sake!)
(The 86 one gets S by the way)
My main gripes come from this remastered version. They have done away with the 'Flash Gordon' style scrolling text after the main titles (for those of you not 'in the know' think of the scrolling text in Star Wars... 'It is a hard time for the rebels, princess Leia has decided to bring the data to the rebel HQ rather than simply transmit it and oddly enough she has been tracked'. You know it from Star Wars, but the old Flash Gordon TV series did it about 20 years before Star Wars was a spark of monetary potential in George Lucas' messed up, CQI happy mind). Anyway, so they did away with the scrolling titles and instead put in a 'Superman-opening-sequence' style credit sequence, which wouldn't be so annoying except they do not even mention the voice actors of Optimus Prime or Megatron. Should I repeat that? Megatron it is possibly understandable, but considering that they have remastered this in order to raise hype for the forthcoming live action Transformers movie you would think that they could at least have mentioned Peter Cullens since he will be reprising his role as Optimus Prime in Michael Bay's version.
Those are my gripes, this film still rules, but the remastered version rules less so than the original. I should note that I suspect that they have completely redone the animation for the film given how 'complete' the set pieces all look, it isn't just new crayons over old colours here.
Rating: A (it's ORSON WELLES for God's sake!)
(The 86 one gets S by the way)
Tuesday 12 June 2007
Orgazmo
NOT PORN.
That needed to be said. Right, this is a Trey Parker movie so as you can imagine the budget isn't particularly... noticable. But they make do and using the South Park team's own brand of humour they have actually made a half decent superhero movie and an outright hilarious comedy, so long as you aren't easily offended. The idea of crossing genres to bring new life to entertainment is not a new idea, but until Orgazmo nobody had ever tried crossing Pornography with Marvel Superhero (apart from the obvious porn parodies of mainstream cinema). With an ensemble cast including some of your favourite porn stars (Chasey Lain, Juli Ashton, Ron Jeremy etc) this movie scores big humour points.
Rating: C
That needed to be said. Right, this is a Trey Parker movie so as you can imagine the budget isn't particularly... noticable. But they make do and using the South Park team's own brand of humour they have actually made a half decent superhero movie and an outright hilarious comedy, so long as you aren't easily offended. The idea of crossing genres to bring new life to entertainment is not a new idea, but until Orgazmo nobody had ever tried crossing Pornography with Marvel Superhero (apart from the obvious porn parodies of mainstream cinema). With an ensemble cast including some of your favourite porn stars (Chasey Lain, Juli Ashton, Ron Jeremy etc) this movie scores big humour points.
Rating: C
Monday 4 June 2007
The Boondock Saints
Surgical gloves on and I'll cut right into the putrid flesh of what's bad about this movie.
I always felt that there was something a tad anticlimactic about the ending. My personal opinion would be that it would have been better without the scene immediately before the credits, this scene whilst serving to continue the movie after the credits have rolled leaves the viewer with too much 'dead time' to think and then the televisual spell is broken.
Right, now that we've got that out of the way I can get round to telling you just how good this movie actually is.
Willem Dafoe is superb as the gay FBI agent who hates gays and is just one of those characters who oozes cool and you want him to win no matter what. 'Compelling' I believe is the word.
The acting is fantastic and the story is pure joy.
This movie is reminiscent of a production with a far higher budget, and I can't help but feel that more money might have had a negative effect on the final piece.
I'm telling you no more, go and buy The Boondock Saints right now.
Rating: B
I always felt that there was something a tad anticlimactic about the ending. My personal opinion would be that it would have been better without the scene immediately before the credits, this scene whilst serving to continue the movie after the credits have rolled leaves the viewer with too much 'dead time' to think and then the televisual spell is broken.
Right, now that we've got that out of the way I can get round to telling you just how good this movie actually is.
Willem Dafoe is superb as the gay FBI agent who hates gays and is just one of those characters who oozes cool and you want him to win no matter what. 'Compelling' I believe is the word.
The acting is fantastic and the story is pure joy.
This movie is reminiscent of a production with a far higher budget, and I can't help but feel that more money might have had a negative effect on the final piece.
I'm telling you no more, go and buy The Boondock Saints right now.
Rating: B
Smokin' Aces
Whilst not a bad film there really is very little to make Smokin' Aces stand out from the crowd, or to give it any rewatchability.
One of the final plot twists you can see coming from about 10 minutes into the movie, and given the basic premise of the story far too many people are still alive at the end. I really did feel kind of cheated by the overall lack of murder, especially considering that the bulk of the characters are unlikeable douchebags. Affleck dies early, which is a plus.
It's good see Ryan Reynolds getting a few more serious parts, he suits the kind of wisecracking role that was once the domain of Bruce Willis during his Die Hard/Last Boy Scout/Hudson Hawk years.
There are a few shocks and twists to the story that will keep you entertained, the action is enjoyable, the dialogue is good and the acting is top notch but the movie will leave you wanting something more. Mostly death.
Rating: C
One of the final plot twists you can see coming from about 10 minutes into the movie, and given the basic premise of the story far too many people are still alive at the end. I really did feel kind of cheated by the overall lack of murder, especially considering that the bulk of the characters are unlikeable douchebags. Affleck dies early, which is a plus.
It's good see Ryan Reynolds getting a few more serious parts, he suits the kind of wisecracking role that was once the domain of Bruce Willis during his Die Hard/Last Boy Scout/Hudson Hawk years.
There are a few shocks and twists to the story that will keep you entertained, the action is enjoyable, the dialogue is good and the acting is top notch but the movie will leave you wanting something more. Mostly death.
Rating: C
Friday 1 June 2007
Spiderman 3
Didn't need an opening monologue, there's a good chance we've seen the previous movies... and the opening graphic novel sequence.
Unarguably the weakest movie in the franchise, and by that I mean that it is absolute balls. From start to finish balls. Just big balls bouncing on my forehead like I'm getting teabagged by Sam Raimi. Balls as far as the eye can see. A horizon of balls, looking over a sea of balls, with maybe a little balls boat floating on it.
The film for having such a high budget and potential rushes through the opening scenes only to get to an hour of tedium and dithering before rushing through to the bombastic fight sequence at the end.
The Sandman's back story feels like it is something that has been tacked on to the main plot in order to give his inclusion in the movie some credibility, and Venom (possibly Spiderman's greatest foe) receives woefully little screen time. But then he was only hanging around to please the fans anyway, a lesson to be learned there methinks.
The evil Peter Parker makes for a bit of comic relief but fails to do much else for the movie other than break the boredom, and believe me by that time I needed it.
Mary Jane seems to have taken a real walk off the map given that this is the same woman who ran out on her wedding at the end of the previous movie because she loves Peter Parker oh so much and just has to be with him even if he is Spiderman and won't always be there. Now she doesn't want to be with him because he is Spiderman and isn't always there. Talk about an indecisive bitch, she should have got married in the last movie and then had an affair with Peter Parker, that way she gets to have her cock and eat it, and Spiderman gets sex so he stops whining.
The action is enjoyable to watch, and credit where credit is due, the effects are superb, but Spiderman 3 did not need to be 2hours 20mins long.
Rating: (A generous) D
Unarguably the weakest movie in the franchise, and by that I mean that it is absolute balls. From start to finish balls. Just big balls bouncing on my forehead like I'm getting teabagged by Sam Raimi. Balls as far as the eye can see. A horizon of balls, looking over a sea of balls, with maybe a little balls boat floating on it.
The film for having such a high budget and potential rushes through the opening scenes only to get to an hour of tedium and dithering before rushing through to the bombastic fight sequence at the end.
The Sandman's back story feels like it is something that has been tacked on to the main plot in order to give his inclusion in the movie some credibility, and Venom (possibly Spiderman's greatest foe) receives woefully little screen time. But then he was only hanging around to please the fans anyway, a lesson to be learned there methinks.
The evil Peter Parker makes for a bit of comic relief but fails to do much else for the movie other than break the boredom, and believe me by that time I needed it.
Mary Jane seems to have taken a real walk off the map given that this is the same woman who ran out on her wedding at the end of the previous movie because she loves Peter Parker oh so much and just has to be with him even if he is Spiderman and won't always be there. Now she doesn't want to be with him because he is Spiderman and isn't always there. Talk about an indecisive bitch, she should have got married in the last movie and then had an affair with Peter Parker, that way she gets to have her cock and eat it, and Spiderman gets sex so he stops whining.
The action is enjoyable to watch, and credit where credit is due, the effects are superb, but Spiderman 3 did not need to be 2hours 20mins long.
Rating: (A generous) D
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