Bad Paul Anderson, bad boy! Go to bed, no cookies for you.
I can only pray that this film is never considered as canon. Where to begin... how about where the Queen's blood reacts with ice (water being the most inert substance KNOWN TO MAN)? No, how about that according to the film the first poor saps got face hugged, impregnated, birthed and then the chestbursters grew to full Xenomorphs in less than 10 minutes?! Seriously, the pyramid reconfigures for the first time, and a group gets face hugged, 10 minutes later it reconfigures for the second time and it shows a rather attractive yet somewhat menacing blond woman go through the usual 'Uugh, Oh no, not again...' moment, then a guy falls in a hole and there is a Xenomorph waiting, actually there are several but at this point nothing makes sense anymore. How about the fact that according to all (repeat 'ALL') AVP canon Predator steel is immune to Xenomorph blood yet the Celtic Predator's weapons melt, then only slightly later in the movie after he is dead all other Predator weapons are back to their immune stage? Did the Celtic Predator forget to enter 'IDDQD' into his wristpad or something? The goofs in the script are too many to list here, face it Paul (Anderson) you suck, but the goofs in the filming are unforgivable. Like the fact that the Scar Predator's methane link (the Pred's breathe methane, in case you haven't read the series) swaps sides on his helmet several times over the course of the film. I'm listing no more, but I'm sure that IMDB has plenty.
As an action film it is grand, quite enjoyable in fact, but as something that is supposed to fit into the AVP universe it is complete bullshit. A note to anyone who disagrees, AVP is set in the ALIEN universe of the 25th Century NOT the Predator universe of now, so it sucks as a game translation as well.
And don't even get me started on that bullshit about the pyramids! There's what, 1500 years difference between the construction of the Pyramids on the Nile delta and those on the Yucatan, and Cambodia hasn't even been considered yet. That is nothing more than tripe for Hollywood faithfuls and Atlantis worshipers who have never actually read anything about the Atlantis Myth.
The only thing that they (and when I say they I mean Paul Anderson again) nearly got right was the strength of the Xenomorphs. The fight with the Celtic Predator versus the 'Grid Alien' might have looked a little excessive to some, but in reality the Predator was lucky that he lasted so long. In 'Aliens' the moment when they came up against the solid steel blast door it was a case of thump-thump-thump-thump-thump-SMASH, all canon reference indicates that the Xenomorphs are stupidly strong compared to anything of comparable size.
Rating: E See me after class
*IDDQD is an old 'Doom' reference. It's the God mode cheat for the original games, doesn't work in Doom3 though, tight one.
Monday 30 July 2007
Sunday 29 July 2007
Thursday 26 July 2007
Alone in the Dark
There is no reason for this film to exist.
Rating: E (and that is only because Tara Reid is in it)
Rating: E (and that is only because Tara Reid is in it)
Tuesday 24 July 2007
Transformers (2007)
Needed a Stan Bush soundtrack.
Apart from that I was quite impressed.
As I predicted the action scenes were top notch (thank you Michael Bay, seriously dude stick to action movies and you can't go wrong).
I loved the tongue in cheek references to the 1986 movie, such as the 'one shall stand, one shall fall' speech and the part in which Jazz takes on Devestator and his initial attack (swinging around Devestator's cannon) directly mirrors Cup's attack on Blitzwing during the Siege of Autobot City.
Megatron kicks all ass though. Seriously. Prime is good, he even rips off a Decepticon's head at one point, but Megatron basically pimp-slaps him into the ground and is only defeated by what is realistically a cheap shot.
And bonus points for the scene in Sam "Spike's" bedroom when the parents walk in, I'm spoiling nothing but I laughed hard.
There were a couple of unresolved plot issues, one of which was sort of dealt with during the end credits but the other felt a bit like a 'I hope they forgot about him' sort of thing.
Lets talk balls.
When four Autobots managed to cause such devastation upon their arrival how did Bumblebee and EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DECEPTICON manage to arrive on Earth with mankind completely oblivious to the fact and probably standing with their fingers in their collective arses.
And this crap about 'The Cube'. Just what the Transformers universe needed, another fucking origin story, as if a spate of bad cartoons (including all the modern nonsense with robots for some reason needing to breathe heavily during technicolor anime action sequences). Thank you Michael Bay, thank you from the bottom of my black little heart for bothering to read into the world at all. I suppose that I should be glad that you allowed Optimus Prime remain as a truck.
Overall though I was impressed enough not to give it a worse rating and the only thing that could have made the 21 year wait better was if Ironhide had voiced his opinion that it was time to bust some deceptichops.
Rating: An undisguised B
Apart from that I was quite impressed.
As I predicted the action scenes were top notch (thank you Michael Bay, seriously dude stick to action movies and you can't go wrong).
I loved the tongue in cheek references to the 1986 movie, such as the 'one shall stand, one shall fall' speech and the part in which Jazz takes on Devestator and his initial attack (swinging around Devestator's cannon) directly mirrors Cup's attack on Blitzwing during the Siege of Autobot City.
Megatron kicks all ass though. Seriously. Prime is good, he even rips off a Decepticon's head at one point, but Megatron basically pimp-slaps him into the ground and is only defeated by what is realistically a cheap shot.
And bonus points for the scene in Sam "Spike's" bedroom when the parents walk in, I'm spoiling nothing but I laughed hard.
There were a couple of unresolved plot issues, one of which was sort of dealt with during the end credits but the other felt a bit like a 'I hope they forgot about him' sort of thing.
Lets talk balls.
When four Autobots managed to cause such devastation upon their arrival how did Bumblebee and EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DECEPTICON manage to arrive on Earth with mankind completely oblivious to the fact and probably standing with their fingers in their collective arses.
And this crap about 'The Cube'. Just what the Transformers universe needed, another fucking origin story, as if a spate of bad cartoons (including all the modern nonsense with robots for some reason needing to breathe heavily during technicolor anime action sequences). Thank you Michael Bay, thank you from the bottom of my black little heart for bothering to read into the world at all. I suppose that I should be glad that you allowed Optimus Prime remain as a truck.
Overall though I was impressed enough not to give it a worse rating and the only thing that could have made the 21 year wait better was if Ironhide had voiced his opinion that it was time to bust some deceptichops.
Rating: An undisguised B
Monday 16 July 2007
Cinematic Regrets number 2
Chose to see Spiderman 3 in the cinema instead of Hot Fuzz.
Bigger regret, did not see Fight Club in the cinema because thanks to my sister and her love for Brad Pitt I looked at the poster and went "If that pretty boy is in it then it can't be good". I know that I am not the only one who was fooled by this, but it is quite shameful nonetheless.
Bigger regret, did not see Fight Club in the cinema because thanks to my sister and her love for Brad Pitt I looked at the poster and went "If that pretty boy is in it then it can't be good". I know that I am not the only one who was fooled by this, but it is quite shameful nonetheless.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Not bad, in fact quite enjoyable considering that for half the film I really had to go to the toilet (a fact which ruined Casino Royale for me the first time around). I would dare to say that this film was actually 'very good' and a worthwhile 30 mile journey to the halfway house cinema that serves as the regular review den for myself and Cheshire Puss (the third reviewer for this site who has yet to bother his arse signing up).
**SPOILER ALERT**
I can't point out what I perceive to have been faults with this film without giving away certain elements of the plot, so please be sure that you want to read further before you do, and afterwards don't say that you weren't warned.
Ok, Sirius Black, the very last remnant of Harry Potter's family dies quite suddenly in battle. Fair enough. There's a bit of anger from Harry and then a short confrontation with Voldemort then the entire thing is essentially glossed over. WTF. The last remnant of his family gone and at the end all they have to show for it is a conversation with Dumbledore that lasts less than a minute, somewhat anti climactic and this conversation also fails to acknowledge another serious plot point from the novel series (read it yourself). To be honest the ending feels very rushed, but nowhere near as much as Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith, I should stress this. Harry Potter 5's ending was rushed but at least it made sense. I could say that Helena Bohnam Carter deserved more screen time but it is clear from this film that she will have a much larger role in the sequel, much like 'The Prisoner of Azkeban' was Gary Oldman's introductory piece so too was this for HBC (Oh God I sooooo wanted Gary Oldman to do something evil, even just some little thing so that I could remember that he is GARY OLDMAN, THE MAN TO WHOM EVIL IS BUT A PLAYTHING). I also thought that the Voldemort/Harry mental link could be done have been a bit darker, but that really was more personal preference and probably would have raised the BBFC rating of the show. The 'who sent the Dementors thing' at the start of the movie is completely glossed over with an 'Oh it must have been Voldemort', if you haven't read the book I'll tell you now, it wasn't. And the involvement of Lucius Malfoy and the other Death Eaters was woefully under-explained, for all intents and purposes they were just hanging out there for the craic. Kudos for the Miss Umbridge part though, they really, really did make me hate her.
Wow, I found more wrong there than I thought I would, and I'm not even a fan of the books.
Rating: A not undeserved B
**SPOILER ALERT**
I can't point out what I perceive to have been faults with this film without giving away certain elements of the plot, so please be sure that you want to read further before you do, and afterwards don't say that you weren't warned.
Ok, Sirius Black, the very last remnant of Harry Potter's family dies quite suddenly in battle. Fair enough. There's a bit of anger from Harry and then a short confrontation with Voldemort then the entire thing is essentially glossed over. WTF. The last remnant of his family gone and at the end all they have to show for it is a conversation with Dumbledore that lasts less than a minute, somewhat anti climactic and this conversation also fails to acknowledge another serious plot point from the novel series (read it yourself). To be honest the ending feels very rushed, but nowhere near as much as Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith, I should stress this. Harry Potter 5's ending was rushed but at least it made sense. I could say that Helena Bohnam Carter deserved more screen time but it is clear from this film that she will have a much larger role in the sequel, much like 'The Prisoner of Azkeban' was Gary Oldman's introductory piece so too was this for HBC (Oh God I sooooo wanted Gary Oldman to do something evil, even just some little thing so that I could remember that he is GARY OLDMAN, THE MAN TO WHOM EVIL IS BUT A PLAYTHING). I also thought that the Voldemort/Harry mental link could be done have been a bit darker, but that really was more personal preference and probably would have raised the BBFC rating of the show. The 'who sent the Dementors thing' at the start of the movie is completely glossed over with an 'Oh it must have been Voldemort', if you haven't read the book I'll tell you now, it wasn't. And the involvement of Lucius Malfoy and the other Death Eaters was woefully under-explained, for all intents and purposes they were just hanging out there for the craic. Kudos for the Miss Umbridge part though, they really, really did make me hate her.
Wow, I found more wrong there than I thought I would, and I'm not even a fan of the books.
Rating: A not undeserved B
Die Hard 4.0 (aka Live Free, Die Hard)
This movie is good. It's a Die Hard flick, there is a standard.
Bruce Willis also looks exceptionally bald, the fact that he has shaved his head actually accentuates the baldness because you can see the stubble where the hair is growing back.
It's not a bad film, and the plot isn't too ludicrous, but I did feel slightly that it wasn't a Die Hard. There was a tendency to over-rely on gunfights and cheap stunts rather than focus on the everyday-cop-against-tremendous-odds charm that brought the franchise into it's own, indeed John McClane seems now to be more of a Hollywood tough guy than the wise-cracking detective that constantly got his ass kicked but somehow managed to come through in the end. At one point he even has to shoot himself to make up for the fact that the bad guys are doing such a piss poor job at doing so.
It's alright as an action movie, but it isn't really a Die Hard. Do not expect to be blown away. I won't touch on the subject of his daughter, that debate could go either way, and frankly I think that the only reason that Kevin Smith was in this movie was to lend it some cult credos.
This is a movie designed for action junkies and I can't help but feel that it is going to be the start of a trend of disappointing sequels to much loved franchises.
Rating: An unfortunate D
Bruce Willis also looks exceptionally bald, the fact that he has shaved his head actually accentuates the baldness because you can see the stubble where the hair is growing back.
It's not a bad film, and the plot isn't too ludicrous, but I did feel slightly that it wasn't a Die Hard. There was a tendency to over-rely on gunfights and cheap stunts rather than focus on the everyday-cop-against-tremendous-odds charm that brought the franchise into it's own, indeed John McClane seems now to be more of a Hollywood tough guy than the wise-cracking detective that constantly got his ass kicked but somehow managed to come through in the end. At one point he even has to shoot himself to make up for the fact that the bad guys are doing such a piss poor job at doing so.
It's alright as an action movie, but it isn't really a Die Hard. Do not expect to be blown away. I won't touch on the subject of his daughter, that debate could go either way, and frankly I think that the only reason that Kevin Smith was in this movie was to lend it some cult credos.
This is a movie designed for action junkies and I can't help but feel that it is going to be the start of a trend of disappointing sequels to much loved franchises.
Rating: An unfortunate D
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