Spiderman 3

Didn't need an opening monologue, there's a good chance we've seen the previous movies... and the opening graphic novel sequence.

Unarguably the weakest movie in the franchise, and by that I mean that it is absolute balls. From start to finish balls. Just big balls bouncing on my forehead like I'm getting teabagged by Sam Raimi. Balls as far as the eye can see. A horizon of balls, looking over a sea of balls, with maybe a little balls boat floating on it.

The film for having such a high budget and potential rushes through the opening scenes only to get to an hour of tedium and dithering before rushing through to the bombastic fight sequence at the end.

The Sandman's back story feels like it is something that has been tacked on to the main plot in order to give his inclusion in the movie some credibility, and Venom (possibly Spiderman's greatest foe) receives woefully little screen time. But then he was only hanging around to please the fans anyway, a lesson to be learned there methinks.

The evil Peter Parker makes for a bit of comic relief but fails to do much else for the movie other than break the boredom, and believe me by that time I needed it.

Mary Jane seems to have taken a real walk off the map given that this is the same woman who ran out on her wedding at the end of the previous movie because she loves Peter Parker oh so much and just has to be with him even if he is Spiderman and won't always be there. Now she doesn't want to be with him because he is Spiderman and isn't always there. Talk about an indecisive bitch, she should have got married in the last movie and then had an affair with Peter Parker, that way she gets to have her cock and eat it, and Spiderman gets sex so he stops whining.

The action is enjoyable to watch, and credit where credit is due, the effects are superb, but Spiderman 3 did not need to be 2hours 20mins long.

Rating: (A generous) D