TOE NEE TODD!! TOE NEE TODD!!!
There, that's the good stuff out of the way.
I think that I'm going to write the script for the next Transformers movie in the hope that something can be salvaged from this dirge of mediocrity. I'm going to send that script to Michael Bay sealed with hearts and kisses, and then I am going to cry when I see Unicron appear as a billowing cloud of death who is preceded by some Decepticon herald, who probably rides a flying surf board and is voiced by Laurence Fishburne.
Lets pick apart the plot, shall we.
The Autobots have joined forces with a top secret human organization in order to- hang on, lets back up a minute so I can explain that...
This is a top secret organization ran at the highest levels of (US) government in conjunction with the Autobots who have to maintain their secrecy in order to avoid panicking the populace with the knowledge that alien robots are living amongst them. Of course this will inevitably lead to all the conspiracy theories about government cover-ups including the painfully annoying "l33t" hacker support character who is convinced that the government is hiding something....
Apparently no one in Los Angeles happened to notice the giant death machines brawling in the streets and generally ripping the city to shreds in the first movie (although this does follow on from the somewhat unbelievable 'cover-up' skit during the end credits of the first God-awful movie).
So, back to the Autobots and this secret organization. Basically they are traveling the world and destroying any Decepticons that they come across, note that I said 'destroying' and not 'capturing'. I find it odd that the good guys would be so actively involved in ethnic cleansing.
Spike (Sam) meanwhile has continued to act as one of the most grating characters ever conceived and has now decided that he doesn't want to hang out with Bumblebee anymore because... Bumblebee is retarded or something, it's wasn't made very clear but it didn't shine a favorable on everyone's favourite Volks Wagon... sorry, product placement, product placement, everyone's favourite Ford Mustang GT500 Buy Today.
The sole purpose for Megan Fox being in RotF is to give the nerds like me something to ogle because we're never liable to actually get close to a real woman and it's nice to see tits every once in a while, luscious, perfectly formed, sumptuous...
Sorry, lost my train of thought there.
Megan plays the role of the stereotypical female support character of any 80's action flick, she just wants to be loved by the hero, even if he is Shia LeBouf and his nose, and contributes nothing else to the movie other than her aforementioned cleavage. Which is a shame because she was one of the more interesting characters from the first movie.
I'd love to say something more about the Transformers themselves, but much like the first movie they are largely background scenery and most remain unnamed. And why not, it's not like it's supposed to be a movie about the Transformers or anything. Devastator (yes he was a tank and died in the first movie but shut up, he had a brother or something) had all the potential to be awesome, from the moment I saw the dump truck and the digger I knew something good was about to happen... how he became a walking mouth I'm not quite sure but I suspect that a more appropriate nomenclature would have been 'Dyson'.
John Turturro makes his contractual reappearance as the nutty secret agent who for some reason now runs an internet site giving out details of all the alien involvement on Earth from files stolen before he left Sector 7, and then he rejoins S7 when Spike turns up and everyone accepts him as an agent no questions asked. Glad that all worked out for him. Of course he teams up with the annoying "l33t" hacker guy who always knew that something was going on and now he wants to be a part of it but is going to act a total pussy any time that something happens because he is the other comic relief or something.
Basically you can tell that the action sequences with the robots where all shot before an actual script was drafted. That isn't a lie. They filmed the action then wrote the script around it, hence the lurching plot, hashed dialogue, and many, many fight sequences. Guess that they wanted to squeeze more money out of the Optimus Prime model after they realized that it cost $35,000 every second he was on screen in the first movie.
And Spike conveniently has a second and unknown surviving shard of 'THE CUBE' and it has allowed him to see ancient Cybertronian symbols... and why not.
I guess it's about time I got to the summary because the patience of the average internet user is usually somewhat shorter than the average gnat's willy. Transformers RotF is watchable but frankly there are better ways to waste 2 hours, like having your genitalia pummeled by a middle aged woman named Mistress Pain.
I actually preferred that other pile of nonsense Terminator Salvation, at least it's plot tried.
Rating: D
Thursday 3 December 2009
Tuesday 24 November 2009
Terminator Salvation
10 minutes into T4 I found myself pondering a very important question: exactly why do robots need a dirty and wet sewer under a computer core?
Methinks that perhaps the set designers felt that sewers were an underused cinematic feature lately monopolized by the video games industry.
Terminator Salvation is a dumb action movie that is crippled by the flaw of a ropey script and music by Danny Elfman, but I'll insult him later.
I can understand completely that in the post-apocalyptic future people are going to be a bit cynical, especially when there are wandering death machines everywhere, but some people act like complete douchebags for no reason whatsoever, including the mighty John Conner (praise be to him). Strangely, for all the cynicism portrayed it seems that the people of Earth are quite ready to accept John Conner as the next Jesus if the opening text scrawl is anything to be believed. Well, almost everyone. The military commanders of course don't like his foreknowledge, and since Michael Ironside says that John Conner needs to learn his place it must be so because he is Michael Fucking Ironside.
I was disappointed that we weren't treated to the original infiltrator units, the ones with the rubber skin, instead jumping from skeletal anthropomorphic personifications of death to Arnold Schwarzenegger's penis. Except depressingly T4 is a '12' rating and therefore contains no real gore, no real swearing, and no real penis.
For some unknown reason the robots never really leave the cities, and I can't for the life of me figure out why since they don't need supplies and they are powered by nuclear fuel cells. It's not like the harsh wilderness poses any kind of threat to a thing with no concept of death, and is in fact designed to kill until either there is nothing left to kill or it is killed itself. Indeed even the smaller Terminators have no fear about shooting off their own feet if it allows them to continue the murder.
Yes, there are plenty of desert fights, but "what are they doing out here? They never venture this far." Apparently Kyle Reese's big monologue in the first Terminator, "It can't be bargained with, it can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pain, it doesn't feel pity or fear, and it will not stop ever until you are dead." doesn't apply if you are outside the city limits.
One moment I did like was when Reese and Marcus pull up outside the same gas station/7 Eleven that Sarah had her picture taken outside away back in 1984, it was a nice touch. Then Christian Bale said "I'll be back," and I groaned, and then he played 'You Could Be Mine' on a stereo to attract one of the bike terminators, and I groaned. And both moments happened in quick succession. So, so cheesy and out of place.
I hate what Danny Elfman has done to the Terminator theme, but then the last time that he wrote an iconic theme was the opening intro to The Simpsons.
So, having said all that, Terminator Salvation is actually pretty decent as an action movie, most of what I have said can be forgiven so long as you don't read too much into the Terminator franchise. If you want to watch something get blown up then there is worse that you can do, but I wouldn't blame you if afterwards you took out the disk and used it to scrape up your dog's poo.
Rating: C
Methinks that perhaps the set designers felt that sewers were an underused cinematic feature lately monopolized by the video games industry.
Terminator Salvation is a dumb action movie that is crippled by the flaw of a ropey script and music by Danny Elfman, but I'll insult him later.
I can understand completely that in the post-apocalyptic future people are going to be a bit cynical, especially when there are wandering death machines everywhere, but some people act like complete douchebags for no reason whatsoever, including the mighty John Conner (praise be to him). Strangely, for all the cynicism portrayed it seems that the people of Earth are quite ready to accept John Conner as the next Jesus if the opening text scrawl is anything to be believed. Well, almost everyone. The military commanders of course don't like his foreknowledge, and since Michael Ironside says that John Conner needs to learn his place it must be so because he is Michael Fucking Ironside.
I was disappointed that we weren't treated to the original infiltrator units, the ones with the rubber skin, instead jumping from skeletal anthropomorphic personifications of death to Arnold Schwarzenegger's penis. Except depressingly T4 is a '12' rating and therefore contains no real gore, no real swearing, and no real penis.
For some unknown reason the robots never really leave the cities, and I can't for the life of me figure out why since they don't need supplies and they are powered by nuclear fuel cells. It's not like the harsh wilderness poses any kind of threat to a thing with no concept of death, and is in fact designed to kill until either there is nothing left to kill or it is killed itself. Indeed even the smaller Terminators have no fear about shooting off their own feet if it allows them to continue the murder.
Yes, there are plenty of desert fights, but "what are they doing out here? They never venture this far." Apparently Kyle Reese's big monologue in the first Terminator, "It can't be bargained with, it can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pain, it doesn't feel pity or fear, and it will not stop ever until you are dead." doesn't apply if you are outside the city limits.
One moment I did like was when Reese and Marcus pull up outside the same gas station/7 Eleven that Sarah had her picture taken outside away back in 1984, it was a nice touch. Then Christian Bale said "I'll be back," and I groaned, and then he played 'You Could Be Mine' on a stereo to attract one of the bike terminators, and I groaned. And both moments happened in quick succession. So, so cheesy and out of place.
I hate what Danny Elfman has done to the Terminator theme, but then the last time that he wrote an iconic theme was the opening intro to The Simpsons.
So, having said all that, Terminator Salvation is actually pretty decent as an action movie, most of what I have said can be forgiven so long as you don't read too much into the Terminator franchise. If you want to watch something get blown up then there is worse that you can do, but I wouldn't blame you if afterwards you took out the disk and used it to scrape up your dog's poo.
Rating: C
Monday 23 November 2009
Far Cry
Hey look, it almost worked.
The above statement could be used to describe the gist of:-
A) Dr Krieger's twisted supersoldier experiments, or say it like it is, Übermensch (we know what you're at Uwe, you mad German). The soldiers almost worked except for being insane apart from the one guy who conveniently had love in his heart or some nonsense and so had a vague sense of being a plot device.
B) The tropical island... oh wait.
C) The mood. Far Cry almost has a sense of threat, except for the fact that at no point do any of the characters/victims have enough depth or development time for you to feel any kind of concern or sympathy whatsoever. There aren't even enough comical deaths to give any sense of morbid amusement.
D) The romance subplot. It almost worked, because Jack Carver is horny, and then he gets some. There might be a few lines of dialogue still lying on the cutting room floor that actually explain how Jack got from A to Vagina, but they mustn't have been very good to warrant exclusion from this masterpiece.
E) Michael Paré. He almost worked, well he got a wage for it anyway. It's been a long time since The Philadelphia Experiment.
F) The Script. The script almost worked, except that it was bad. But it was bad in that classic kind of way, as in if this shit had a lower budget the filmmakers would have been forced to use all kinds of fancy camera tricks and simple drum and cello music then it might have been really atmospheric and brooding. Too bad really.
So, Far Cry then.
It's shit.
Rating: U
The above statement could be used to describe the gist of:-
A) Dr Krieger's twisted supersoldier experiments, or say it like it is, Übermensch (we know what you're at Uwe, you mad German). The soldiers almost worked except for being insane apart from the one guy who conveniently had love in his heart or some nonsense and so had a vague sense of being a plot device.
B) The tropical island... oh wait.
C) The mood. Far Cry almost has a sense of threat, except for the fact that at no point do any of the characters/victims have enough depth or development time for you to feel any kind of concern or sympathy whatsoever. There aren't even enough comical deaths to give any sense of morbid amusement.
D) The romance subplot. It almost worked, because Jack Carver is horny, and then he gets some. There might be a few lines of dialogue still lying on the cutting room floor that actually explain how Jack got from A to Vagina, but they mustn't have been very good to warrant exclusion from this masterpiece.
E) Michael Paré. He almost worked, well he got a wage for it anyway. It's been a long time since The Philadelphia Experiment.
F) The Script. The script almost worked, except that it was bad. But it was bad in that classic kind of way, as in if this shit had a lower budget the filmmakers would have been forced to use all kinds of fancy camera tricks and simple drum and cello music then it might have been really atmospheric and brooding. Too bad really.
So, Far Cry then.
It's shit.
Rating: U
Sunday 8 November 2009
Bottle Shock
This is a movie about wine.
And long story short, it's about the Americans proclaiming that they are better than the French... because they inherited that particular trait from their English ancestors.
It's also a very good movie... and not just because the new Captain Kirk is the lead or that I would like to do nasty things to Rachel Taylor.
Alan Rickman delivers an 'as expected' performance, balanced against a 'very American' performance by the other most prominent leads (I don't mean that as derogatory but more stereotypical, grass roots hicks, that sort of thing). But it works, though Bill Pullman hasn't aged well... or maybe I just can't get Spaceballs out of my head.
Bottle Shock is humorous, sharp, is laced with real emotion, and is an enjoyable movie to watch. It's hard to find anything worth stating that would detract from this movie.
If you want to watch a decent movie with your girlfriend, or a few mates who don't fancy another 40 heads exploding from spray and pray gunfire, then Bottle Shock will go down well.
I recommend a nice Pinot Noir or Sauvignon Blanc to go along with it.
Rating: A
And long story short, it's about the Americans proclaiming that they are better than the French... because they inherited that particular trait from their English ancestors.
It's also a very good movie... and not just because the new Captain Kirk is the lead or that I would like to do nasty things to Rachel Taylor.
Alan Rickman delivers an 'as expected' performance, balanced against a 'very American' performance by the other most prominent leads (I don't mean that as derogatory but more stereotypical, grass roots hicks, that sort of thing). But it works, though Bill Pullman hasn't aged well... or maybe I just can't get Spaceballs out of my head.
Bottle Shock is humorous, sharp, is laced with real emotion, and is an enjoyable movie to watch. It's hard to find anything worth stating that would detract from this movie.
If you want to watch a decent movie with your girlfriend, or a few mates who don't fancy another 40 heads exploding from spray and pray gunfire, then Bottle Shock will go down well.
I recommend a nice Pinot Noir or Sauvignon Blanc to go along with it.
Rating: A
Friday 23 October 2009
Amadeus
Wow.
Really.
Sublime, subtle, powerful. A pure joy to watch from start to finish, from the impish yet self possessed and obsessive Mozart portrayed by Tom Hulce to the covetous Salieri played by F Murray Abraham.
This movie beautifully charts the unnatural ability of the cocksure Mozart as he struggles to survive against the intrigues of Salieri, a man driven mad by his lifelong desire to be everything that the vulgar Mozart seems to have swaggered into.
Whilst technically true that this story is not historically accurate (the devout Salieri marrying in 1774 and fathering 8 children in real life) history only ever records fragments of any story, and since to this day no one knows where Mozart is actually buried I think it is safe to allow a bit of artistic interpretation.
The DVD Directors Cut may seem a tad long for some, but believe me it is worth watching.
Rating: S (And I don't do that often)
Really.
Sublime, subtle, powerful. A pure joy to watch from start to finish, from the impish yet self possessed and obsessive Mozart portrayed by Tom Hulce to the covetous Salieri played by F Murray Abraham.
This movie beautifully charts the unnatural ability of the cocksure Mozart as he struggles to survive against the intrigues of Salieri, a man driven mad by his lifelong desire to be everything that the vulgar Mozart seems to have swaggered into.
Whilst technically true that this story is not historically accurate (the devout Salieri marrying in 1774 and fathering 8 children in real life) history only ever records fragments of any story, and since to this day no one knows where Mozart is actually buried I think it is safe to allow a bit of artistic interpretation.
The DVD Directors Cut may seem a tad long for some, but believe me it is worth watching.
Rating: S (And I don't do that often)
Saturday 7 February 2009
Wasted Youth Movies Special Feature
Here at Wasted Youth Movies we always try to do our part to bring the cinema closer to the hearts and souls of moviegoers everywhere, with honest, no holds barred reviews and occassional nonsense.
We are proud to present for you here our first celebrity acting lesson. We're teaming up with the legends of modern cinema in order to bring to you, the fans, an indepth and concise guide to broadening your range and abilities, to learn from the very icons who bring us with them on the cinematic journey.
And I have to tell you now, what a way to start.
We have for our first lesson a true exemplar of cinematic history, a man renowned for his depth and ability, a man not afraid to push the very boundries of modern cinema.
He has played an astronaut lost and alone, he has played a cop on the verge of meltdown, he's been a man coming to terms with the murder of his mother, and a soldier captured in Iraq. He brought intensity to a gunman on the run and gave a powerful performance as a fisherman caught in a storm.
And his brother is in New Kids On The Block.
Ladies and Gentlemen, from Wasted Youth Movies...
THE MARK WAHLBERG EMOTIONAL RANGE
JOY
ECSTASY
RELIEF
SHOCK
AWE
ANGER
RAGE
LUST
AROUSAL
'O' FACE
BOREDOM
SUSPICION
EXCITEMENT
THOUGHTFULNESS
MISCHIEVOUSNESS
BROODING
BROODING INTENSELY
MELANCHOLY
We are proud to present for you here our first celebrity acting lesson. We're teaming up with the legends of modern cinema in order to bring to you, the fans, an indepth and concise guide to broadening your range and abilities, to learn from the very icons who bring us with them on the cinematic journey.
And I have to tell you now, what a way to start.
We have for our first lesson a true exemplar of cinematic history, a man renowned for his depth and ability, a man not afraid to push the very boundries of modern cinema.
He has played an astronaut lost and alone, he has played a cop on the verge of meltdown, he's been a man coming to terms with the murder of his mother, and a soldier captured in Iraq. He brought intensity to a gunman on the run and gave a powerful performance as a fisherman caught in a storm.
And his brother is in New Kids On The Block.
Ladies and Gentlemen, from Wasted Youth Movies...
THE MARK WAHLBERG EMOTIONAL RANGE
JOY
ECSTASY
RELIEF
SHOCK
AWE
ANGER
RAGE
LUST
AROUSAL
'O' FACE
BOREDOM
SUSPICION
EXCITEMENT
THOUGHTFULNESS
MISCHIEVOUSNESS
BROODING
BROODING INTENSELY
MELANCHOLY
Sunday 1 February 2009
Gone Baby Gone
Whilst I am loathe to admit that anything involving Ben Affleck could possibly be good I have to admit that his directorial debut is actually... good.
Casey Affleck is still a better actor than Ben though.
So the story revolves around child abduction and why it is bad, with an added sprinkling of child abuse just to make sure that we fully understand the whole emotional aspect of the story.
I'm being flippant, the movie actually is really good and almost feels like one of those gorgeous film noirs I hold so close to my heart.
The story is sound, the direction works well, the score is haunting and appropriate, most of all the acting is superb.
Casey Affleck is wonderfully understated, Michelle Monaghan is fairly superfluous but carries her character with a believable intensity, and Morgan Freeman as ever plays the knowledgeable black guy. The real star to shine in this movie is Ed Harris, he is a good actor but by God is he good here.
This is one of those movies that deserve to be seen without the taint of pre-warned plot points, so I'm not going to say anything (yes I do play that card a lot, but if I'm ever wrong then you can feel free to call me on it, or just do us both a favour and get over it).
This is going to be the first movie that I've given an 'A' rating to in a while, largely because most of Hollywood seems to care more about effects or romance driven movies rather than a compelling story, and also because I think that Casey Affleck deserves it.
Maybe Mark Wahlberg should hang out with Casey sometime and pick up a few pointers...
Rating: A
Casey Affleck is still a better actor than Ben though.
So the story revolves around child abduction and why it is bad, with an added sprinkling of child abuse just to make sure that we fully understand the whole emotional aspect of the story.
I'm being flippant, the movie actually is really good and almost feels like one of those gorgeous film noirs I hold so close to my heart.
The story is sound, the direction works well, the score is haunting and appropriate, most of all the acting is superb.
Casey Affleck is wonderfully understated, Michelle Monaghan is fairly superfluous but carries her character with a believable intensity, and Morgan Freeman as ever plays the knowledgeable black guy. The real star to shine in this movie is Ed Harris, he is a good actor but by God is he good here.
This is one of those movies that deserve to be seen without the taint of pre-warned plot points, so I'm not going to say anything (yes I do play that card a lot, but if I'm ever wrong then you can feel free to call me on it, or just do us both a favour and get over it).
This is going to be the first movie that I've given an 'A' rating to in a while, largely because most of Hollywood seems to care more about effects or romance driven movies rather than a compelling story, and also because I think that Casey Affleck deserves it.
Maybe Mark Wahlberg should hang out with Casey sometime and pick up a few pointers...
Rating: A
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