The Constant Gardener

The Constant Gardener is very, very good. This film oozes mystery and love, a 'James Bond' for an audience after more than just sex and explosions. Although it has the same basic theme as certain other movies, such as 'Lord of War' and 'Blood Diamond' it manages to get the message across without being preachy or disturbing the story that it is trying to tell. Personally, I am glad that I have seen this film.

Rating: A

The Last Kiss

Pretty decent story and the script itself is top notch, but Zach Braff, an actor whom I normally enjoy (thanks Scrubs) is unconvincing and at times even quite wooden. Like I said though, the script is good and the way the stories of the four friends mesh together does make for an otherwise enjoyable film.

Rating: C

Jarhead

Homage, it's called a homage.

That has to be the only explanation as to why 90% of the dialogue has came straight from an internet script for Full Metal Jacket.

I forgive this fault though. Why Vast? Well I forgive it because it is Jamie Foxx delivering most of the borrowed dialogue and he is very, very good.

A film about being bored without taking on the nature of it's topic, frankly I have to call that a success.

Admittedly it is a tad anticlimactic, but then so was the real Gulf War so its about as good as you can expect really.

There is a fairly decent story to the film and plenty of dark humour to keep you entertained, and every scene with Jamie Foxx in it is worth watching (can you tell that I have great respect for his acting ability?).

I don't want to suck him off or anything.

Rating: A commendable B

Napoleon Dynamite

Nothing happens.

Rating: F

Alien Versus Predator

Bad Paul Anderson, bad boy! Go to bed, no cookies for you.

I can only pray that this film is never considered as canon. Where to begin... how about where the Queen's blood reacts with ice (water being the most inert substance KNOWN TO MAN)? No, how about that according to the film the first poor saps got face hugged, impregnated, birthed and then the chestbursters grew to full Xenomorphs in less than 10 minutes?! Seriously, the pyramid reconfigures for the first time, and a group gets face hugged, 10 minutes later it reconfigures for the second time and it shows a rather attractive yet somewhat menacing blond woman go through the usual 'Uugh, Oh no, not again...' moment, then a guy falls in a hole and there is a Xenomorph waiting, actually there are several but at this point nothing makes sense anymore. How about the fact that according to all (repeat 'ALL') AVP canon Predator steel is immune to Xenomorph blood yet the Celtic Predator's weapons melt, then only slightly later in the movie after he is dead all other Predator weapons are back to their immune stage? Did the Celtic Predator forget to enter 'IDDQD' into his wristpad or something? The goofs in the script are too many to list here, face it Paul (Anderson) you suck, but the goofs in the filming are unforgivable. Like the fact that the Scar Predator's methane link (the Pred's breathe methane, in case you haven't read the series) swaps sides on his helmet several times over the course of the film. I'm listing no more, but I'm sure that IMDB has plenty.

As an action film it is grand, quite enjoyable in fact, but as something that is supposed to fit into the AVP universe it is complete bullshit. A note to anyone who disagrees, AVP is set in the ALIEN universe of the 25th Century NOT the Predator universe of now, so it sucks as a game translation as well.

And don't even get me started on that bullshit about the pyramids! There's what, 1500 years difference between the construction of the Pyramids on the Nile delta and those on the Yucatan, and Cambodia hasn't even been considered yet. That is nothing more than tripe for Hollywood faithfuls and Atlantis worshipers who have never actually read anything about the Atlantis Myth.

The only thing that they (and when I say they I mean Paul Anderson again) nearly got right was the strength of the Xenomorphs. The fight with the Celtic Predator versus the 'Grid Alien' might have looked a little excessive to some, but in reality the Predator was lucky that he lasted so long. In 'Aliens' the moment when they came up against the solid steel blast door it was a case of thump-thump-thump-thump-thump-SMASH, all canon reference indicates that the Xenomorphs are stupidly strong compared to anything of comparable size.

Rating: E See me after class

*IDDQD is an old 'Doom' reference. It's the God mode cheat for the original games, doesn't work in Doom3 though, tight one.

The Transporter

Pointless drivel.

Rating: F

Alone in the Dark

There is no reason for this film to exist.

Rating: E (and that is only because Tara Reid is in it)