Quantum Of Solace

I struggled as to how best review this movie.

On one hand it is a pretty decent action movie that opens with a car chase quite possibly designed to be used as some form of bizarre foreplay.

On the other hand it is now the third in a series of movies starring James Bond but not actually being a Bond movie, kind of like Never Say Never Again.

All my gripes about this latest Bond offering are best summed up in the cartoon below...



You can plainly see where the film makers have taken their inspiration from.

It also feels very much like a middle film, lacking anything remotely like a satisfying ending. The acting is good, the story is largely solid and it is a well put together movie.

Overall I'd say that you will enjoy most of Quantum of Solace, just don't expect to have your world rocked.

Rating: B

Max Payne

An insipid and poorly written action movie trading on the popularity of a video game franchise.

God I would love to see that quoted on the DVD sleeve.

I'll clear this up right away so everyone knows where we stand. Max Payne 2 is one of my top 5 best games ever. But I'm not here to review the games, I'll leave that to people with better taste in hats than I, I'm here to review the movie.

It opens well, a nice film noir sort of feel, and uses a couple of nice effects that really help to set the tone. Then it quickly abandons these in favour of randomly changing between rain and snow. I'm not kidding, watch for it, on one occasion in particular we swap from a miserable downpour to snow piled high in the space of about 5 minutes movie world time (about 4 seconds real time). The schizophrenic weather conditions are truly laughable, more so when you notice that there's never any slush, just puddles or pristine white snow depending on the producer's mood.

I won't touch on how the movie has butchered the story of the first game because then you could call me on the bias issue, instead I will judge the story on it's own merits. Max Payne suffers from the rare condition known as Mansion Scene Syndrome, whereby a movie tries to cram too much plot into too short a time (named for the Da Vinci Code) except in this case they've tried to fit an entire game into an hour and 40 minutes.

When I say that they tried to fit the game into 100 minutes, I mean a very distilled version of the game that quite frankly left the whole experience confusing and unfulfilling like a sandwich made of ejaculate between two slices of damp bread.

At no point can you understand any of the characters' motivations, Mona Sax seems largely unfazed by the murder of her sister which is probably a good thing as Mona is almost completely superfluous to the plot. Bravura becomes convinced Max is a good guy and not a cop killer because of... well, gut instinct or something. Payne you are told constantly is an emotional wreck with a death wish but determined to first bring his family's killers to justice, and you can't help but feel that this is the movie makers trying to cover for the fact that Mark Wahlberg is a bad actor.

Plus at times you will suspect that Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges was very much aware of the fact that they changed Bravura from a white guy to make sure that they had a black guy in a prominent supporting role. Why does Hollywood still feel the need to throw in a token black guy? There are plenty of good black actors out there making good movies, why change an existing character just so you can parade him around on screen going "Hey, we're ok, we got one, look."?

I'm not quite sure what the point was with Rothaford Gray's scene in the opening, except to say that Max is an emotional wreck with a death wish but determined to first bring his family's killers to justice. The characters are ALL FUCKING TWO DIMENSIONAL and you couldn't care for any of them, not even Max.

The plot stumbles forward drunkenly before tripping over it's own feet and falling flat on it's face just in time for the big gunfight finale. Speaking of which, for the series defined by Bullet Time the movie thankfully keeps it to a scant few (and well executed) scenes, sadly these are also the only real action scenes in the movie.

I should say that the whole scene when Max takes the Valkyr and starts tripping is AWESOME, it is really well done. The effects of the Valkyr are well portrayed but I can't help but wonder why anyone would take a drug that incapacitates you with mortal fear. Though why do all the 'V' slogans sprayed over the walls still show a syringe (other than trying to copy the game) when the movie makers decided that Valkyr should be a tasty beverage so that they could get a lower rating from the MPAA?

My final point, why the fuck would you try to get a low rating on a movie that is based on a gritty and gruesome series? The games aren't meant for children, so why would you try to make the movie so?

And the musical score is crap.

I really, really wanted Max Payne to be good. I wanted a gritty film noir that captured the essence of the game, what I got was watery dross and a desire to seek a refund.

Rating: D

Postal

An utterly pointless movie punctuated by some genuinely hilarious comedy. Forget the whole "tasteless" nametag that has been applied to this movie (largely by the creators), this has been added by the film makers to increase the movie's hype since it pokes fun at Arabs.

The whole 9/11 scene at the start was supposed to grab everyone's attention and think that this movie pushed the boundaries, it doesn't. The scene is designed solely to outrage an American public who are still reeling from one of their few moments of true homeland terrorism.

Most of the movie is entirely forgettable, even though a midget gets raped by a thousand monkeys and about 30 children get killed in a shoot-out at Germanyland (or whatever it was called).

I did appreciate when Uwe Boll poked fun at himself during the Germanyland scene, that was one of the genuinely hilarious scenes. Anyone remotely familiar with gaming and the internet knows that there are many theories about Uwe Boll, like how he must use Nazi gold to finance his movies because no one in their right mind would pay to make such flops, or how he must hate video games because he butchers the plots. In Postal he admits to using Nazi gold (and even pays a performer with gold teeth) and after getting shot in the balls admits that he hates video games, and for a couple of minutes, God help me, I actually liked Uwe Boll.

But that quickly passed because, as I said earlier, Postal is largely forgettable. I can feel the entire movie draining from my mind as I type this, I'm fairly certain that there was an angry cult as well as Arab terrorists.

You can pass a couple of hours watching Zack Ward try desperately to forward his career or you can go watch something decent.

Ugh, Erick Avari, you should have known better. I actually respected you.

Uwe, content. Content! Content! Content! People recognize that you can be a good writer, hell with a doctorate in literature you could be a great writer, but you keep going for cheap half baked shite and running with it because you want to get the film out. My only other advice is stop butchering video games, it's an experience that can't be recreated on the big screen, and if you alter the story you will only end up pissing off your fans (aka, your audience).

Rating: U (but a step in the right direction, it wasn't all horrible)

Iron Man

Superhero movies and I have something of a gentleman's agreement in place. They don't bother me and in turn I don't point out how they are nothing but a pathetic cash in on the popularity of an established franchise (with the obvious exception of the latest Batman movies).

Whether it be Bryan Singer deciding that Superman should lift islands of kryponite to save the world or Blade suddenly having to face off against Dracula, or the Fantastic Four having to face off against a giant cloud of death in an effort to disguise how shite the movie is. Superhero movies always seem to follow a pattern of "we need something really big to show how great these guys are". A superhero is only as great as his spectacle.

Fuck that shit.

Superheroes should be allowed to face the same problems as the rest of us. For example, Blade struggles to pay for the seemingly infinite amount of silver that he has available because of the credit crunch. Bruce Banner can't become the Incredible Hulk because he is depressed and has had to go on Prozac. Superman can't save the world because he is left looking after Bryan Singer's bastard child whilst Lois goes to knock out a living at the Daily Planet.

Then we come to Iron Man.

How do you rate a superhero when his alter ego, Tony Stark, is the kind of guy who relishes in the hero thing and openly admits to his identity. You can't apply the same laws of normality to such a character as normal for him is attracting the ire of every would-be Dr Doom out there.

I went into Iron Man (seen in the States before all you fuckers back home) with incredibly low expectations (you really have no idea, I watched the trailers for Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk one after the other and said, "Hmm, I see a strikingly unimaginative pattern here".).

I was drawn in as soon as I heard the first riff of "Back In Black" and it all got better from there. The dialogue is sharp, the humour is black as my Doc Martens, and the acting is flawless.

Robert Downey Jr (as I'm sure you've heard by now since I've left it to the DVD release to review this) is superbly suited to the arrogant, self-assured, egotistical Tony Stark. Gwyneth Paltrow is frankly divine as the sagacious Pepper Potts and Jeff Bridges makes an excellent ally turned villain (I hope I didn't spoil that obvious plot point for anyone).

Yeah, it may have been a plot point that you could see coming from roughly the same distance as you can see the sun in the morning but you do appreciate it because the story is fell executed. As I've said before, a well executed tale can even make the most cliched story seem good (watch 3:10 To Yuma if you don't believe me).

The effects are good and the soundtrack is top notch. Frankly if you don't enjoy Iron Man then you are strange and different. All your friends think that Iron Man is great.

Rating: A

Tropic Thunder

Lets get one thing out in the open right now, I don't like Ben Stiller. He's probably a real cool guy and so sweet that when he comes he shoots strawberry milkshake, but every time that I see him I just think that he is one smug bastard short of an Olympic event for smug bastards. I have yet to ever like a character that he has played and I really doubt that I ever will, so Tropic Thunder immediately lost points here.

Now, lets talk about my cinema experience for the evening. Got my ticket, got my coke and wee small tub of Pringles for people who accept that they are a fat bastard but don't want to do anything about it, got to the screen. I was the only one there.

FUCKING SCORE!

It could only have been better if the brunette usher girl gave me a lap dance during the end credits.

Things started off well with a spoof ad for Booty Sweat by the 'real' black man of the group Alpa Chino, followed by three spoof trailers that I have to admit were brilliant send ups of their respective genres.

So lets get into 'the shit' as they say in 'Nam.

The story is complete and utter balls. Really.

But that's ok because in reality this is a character driven movie and I have to admit that the characterizations were superb from start to finish.

Jack Black is fabulous as the funny man of the group who is very much aware of the source of his humour and covers his pain through liberal doses of angst and heroin. The show however is stolen by Robert Downey Jr, the blonde Australian who has had pigmentation surgery in order to play the black sergeant, and who takes his role just a little bit too seriously.

The effects are beautifully over the top, especially in the opening minutes where at one point the explosions filled so much of the screen that I actually felt my penis twitch.

The dialogue is witty and sharp, with one especially memorable occasion when Downey's 5 times Academy Award winning actor character is giving Stiller's washed up action hero actor character a few tips, like how he should never have went full retard in the fictional 'Simple Jack'.

Now whilst I said Robert Downey Jr steals the show, I have to tell you that the best character is the boss Les Grossman. I heard him speak and said 'he sounds like Tom Cruise', he smiled and I said 'he smiles like Tom Cruise'. Then during the end credits I saw that it was fucking Tom Cruise, didn't recognize him at all, and it was awesome. I laugh just thinking about the character because he is just the most phenomenal bastard on all levels.

Anyway, you've probably gathered by now my opinion on Tropic Thunder, so I'm going to go away now.

Rating: B

You Don't Mess With The Zohan

You Don't Mess With The Zohan (henceforth simply 'Zohan' or 'YDMWTZ) as I really couldn't be arsed writing that every time) has been getting mixed reviews, and I'm really trying not to be swayed one way or another. I like to think that I am honest in what I say to you and that if you were actually foolish enough to take my word for something then I would have to stand by it.

So here's my honest review of Zohan...

I loved it.

Most modern comedies seem to need a seen with either semen, vomit, or some other bodily excretion in order to provide you with humour and it is nice to see a comedy that shoots for the plain ludicrous.

Adam Sandler's movies can be very hit and miss but there has always been an undertone of genuine comedic genius to his work and it is nice to see a movie that largely lived up to his potential.

Zohan brings humour to a situation that has defied solution for centuries and really does try to lighten things up, and really, if people had a better sense of humour then most of the world wouldn't be in the trouble it is in. Yes, feel free to attack me for that seemingly flippant remark "Yes thousands are dying in ethnic cleansing but we should all just sit back and have a giggle". I don't mean it like that and you should be ashamed of yourself for not giving me more credit. What I meant was that if people had a better sense of humour and a bit more understanding then most of the silly tit for tat problems in the world would never escalate to anything larger.

Anyway, Zohan is a lighthearted comedy with big laughs (though if I'm being honest you could only ever watch it once or twice) that can perfectly pass a quiet evening.

Emmanuelle Chriqui (pronounced 'Shreeky') is amusing as Zohan's Palestinian employer who does not realize that Zohan is in fact Israel's top Mossad agent (and like any balanced individual does not care about the conflict and just wishes people could try to forgive and move on).

I don't want this review to sound like a political statement so I'll balance it all out by saying that if you are really the maladjusted niggler awaiting the slightest opportunity to be offended then you are really going to be offended when I tell you that you may as well spam my inbox with hate mail now or come to my house and wee through the letterbox you brain-dead fucking retard.

Zohan will amuse you, it's a comedy, it's not going to redefine the genre but it certainly won't bore you.

Rating: B

Get Smart

Every few years, mostly between Bond movies, some bright spark sitting in a Hollywood studio comes up with a really good idea for a movie. It will be a poignant tale with action, romance, just the right amount of tension and a story that will feel complete and maybe leaving you thinking about it long after you have left the cinema.

Then the script will get shit-canned because the studio can't afford to make it having blown the last of it's budget on this year's hey-guys-I'm-a-spy-lol Bond spoof.

Now it is the turn of comedian de-jour Steve Carell to take the reins, this time in a remake of 1965 spy comedy series 'Get Smart'. Yes, it's a remake of an old TV series, how's about that.

I could be hard on Get Smart... actually being honest, I can't.

You might say that I am going to give a favorable review solely because I have a thing for the delectable Anne Hathaway, but that is not the reason. That is not the only reason.

Get Smart is, brace yourselves, genuinely funny. The script is witty, the set pieces are superb, the plot is actually good (though the big plot twist you can see coming from roughly 22 minutes into the film), and the performances are well played.

Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson once again delivers a brilliant performance (see everyone, I told you that he wouldn't be another Hulk Hogan) and at times had me in stitches, but without a doubt the man who ended up with all the best lines was Alan Arkin.

Now earlier I referred to 'this years Bond spoof', and that was being unfair on my part. Get Smart is not a spoof, it is a parody of Bond in much the same way that Galaxy Quest was a parody of Star Trek.

Max Smart is potentially the greatest secret agent within CONTROL but time and time again something goes wrong during the actual execution of his plans, and this is the source of our comedy on his part. In fairness to Carell he plays the role very well and you could see a genuine screen chemistry between himself and Anne Hathaway.

I can't avoid mentioning how great Anne Hathaway actually is in her role as the distrustful and slightly emotionally damaged Agent 99, who is very good at her job and can't stand to be sent out with the rookie Smart but begrudgingly gains a certain respect for the man and his tenacity.

And finally I will say that when Max Smart figures out how to overcome his adversary in the end I laughed so hard that I had to check afterward to make sure that a little pee hadn't leaked out.

Rating: B

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Uugh. I haven't been looking forward to this review, I've been putting it off and putting it off in the hope that I might get Alzheimer's or something. Sadly I'm more or less still all here so lets put on our wellies and go wading in shit.

Hellboy 2, a movie with a relatively cool bad guy and not a lot else going for it. I should have known that something was wrong when David Hyde Pierce didn't return to provide the voice of Abe Sapien (don't bother watching the movie for it, he's uncredited), I know that he can't have made that much money working on Frasier that he no longer needs the work, so I can only assume that he has standards.

The biggest threat to Hellboy in this film is an Elemental (that's a God of one of the cardinal elements for those of you who don't follow fantasy or play that financial black hole World of Warcraft), in this case it is an Elemental of Nature. A Tree God who has the rather glaring weakness of having a giant hole in his head like the Nihilinth, and much like that Half Life über-beastie firing a weapon into this hole tends to cause extreme anger followed by death.

So the general gist of the movie is that Hellboy is running around all full of angst about being hidden from humans whilst this halfway cool bad guy is trying to raise an army of paranormal beings to crush mankind. The usual fare, but this time done by elves instead of Nazi's, Mummies or Jet-Li.

You can imagine exactly where this is going and there really is no point in me trying to repeat this tripe to you, it's an old story that has been done many times before and almost never done well. Of course his angst eventually gets the better of him and he manages to get himself exposed in dramatic fashion to all of the world, and typically the humans don't particularly like him.

What I will say is that it is a very sumptuous looking film, Guillermo del Toro has a unique visual style that lends itself very well to the pseudo-paranormal realm of the Hellboy universe.

I don't like ragging on Hellboy because I like Ron Perlman, he is a good actor and most of his parts are generally unique and recognizable characters, but this movie frankly is beneath his ability.

From start to finish Hellboy 2: The Golden Army feels like it is just filling time until Hellboy 3: The Cash-in, it's a pointless movie. Completely and utterly pointless.

Rating: E

(Note how I managed to avoid mentioning Northern Ireland?)

Babylon AD

Babylon AD is an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a very shallow script.

The movie has a good story that is mired only by the aforementioned shallow script which appears to have the sole purpose of propelling Vin Diesel from one bombastic stunt sequence to the next.

You can see some genuine genius in places, most of which has been carried from the novel, and some fantastic set pieces such as the train passing through a radiation zone that appears to be a former industrial complex that had suffered a nuclear attack (with the train bridge passing over the crater).

But for all the potential the film keeps coming back to the same idea of trying to be a darker xXx. When you aren't watching a fight sequence it feels like you are just killing time until the next fight sequence.

And honestly, does every bloody action film made these days have to have a free-running sequence in it? Yes District 13 looked good, and it was done very well in Casino Royale, but we get the point. I suppose it shouldn't shock me really, free-running is after all the new 'bullet time', and unsurprisingly Babylon AD had to squeeze plenty of that slow motion nonsense in too.

Vin Diesel's acting isn't terrible, but if it were any more wooden he would be Keanu Reeves.

There is however one rather amusing moment involving a nuclear missile.

Overall I'd say that if you wanted to watch an action movie with a genuine story then you could do worse than Babylon AD, just don't try to convince anyone that the dialogue is good. Oh, and the ending is very forced.

Rating: C

In Bruges (Vastian's Review)

In general I prefer to review bad films because, in the end, insults generally are funnier than praise.

In Bruges makes this stance quite difficult for me. So I'll bitch about what I can.

In the scene when Ray (Colin Farrell) is preparing for his date he has decided to keep his shirt neck buttoned, but in each scene when the camera is on Ken (Brendan Gleeson) and Ray is reflected in the mirror the button is open.

That's it.

In Bruges I am naming as my movie of 2008 (but I am totally willing to accept that something better may come out before the year is out, it is however the best movie so far). To me In Bruges is to this decade what Pulp Fiction was to the 90's, but because it was one of those films that sort of crept up on the public rather than being hyped to the same level where people actually believed that the Arctic Monkeys might be good, it will probably end up as a cult film. Much like Hudson Hawk.

In Bruges is a film that bases itself on surprise, which of course on the dvd viewing left me enjoying the experience slightly less than I did at the cinema, but then the dialogue comes back to slap you in the face with some of the best screen writing seen since Charlton Heston parted the Red Sea.

Personally I love the fact that Ray, even in his most emotional moments still somehow finds a way to insult Bruges. It really is pure genius. Bruges is portrayed almost as a character in this movie, but as the most boring and forgettable character whom you could possibly imagine, much as how Ray sees the city.

Ralph Fiennes as Harry is also particularly enjoyable, mostly because of how much of a bastard he is, or to quote Ken "Harry, and I mean no disrespect here, but you're a cunt. You've always been a cunt, and the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to become more of a cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids."

Martin McDonagh (writer/director) deserves full credit for breathing new life into the stale two-hitmen-in-a-foreign-land storyline, the script is scathing, un-PC and laced with the most beautiful dark comedy. The character development is deep and the entire film just emanates an aura of "you don't need fancy effects or a huge budget to woo the crowds".

In Bruges is a movie for people who love movies.

Rating: A

The X Files: I Want To Believe

The X Files IWTB is a difficult film to rate. From the outset it is clear that this is a movie made for the fans, instant points right there, and doesn't involve an alien conspiracy, more points.

My problem is that I am a person who hasn't really seen The X Files since sometime roundabout when the T-1000 became a regular cast member. A result of this is that I sometimes found myself struggling to keep up with the implied back story.

For instance Mulder and Scully are no longer in the FBI, and apparently Scully has finally saw the charm of Mulder's cardboard exterior and they are an item now (though amusingly Mulder still refers to her as Scully rather than Dana).

Oh, and they lost a son at some point..? That wasn't me giving away plot or character development, its a little statement that comes so far off-the-cuff as to imply that anyone who doesn't know this has a case of the terminal stupids. It's a thing for the fans.

Lets talk movie talk.

The X Files: I Want To Believe is a decent serial killer hunt with a supporting cast of a psychic Scottish comedian and a black gangsta' rapper FBI agent kickin' it wit da poh-leese and knockin' down doors to bust a cap in some punk fool's ass. I'm being harsh, but only because I think that anybody who actually talks and acts like that really needs to go back to school and pay attention.

Xzibit actually isn't bad, in fact I would go so far as to say that he is good. Billy Connolly was less believable, but then I find it hard to take him seriously when I can't look at him without hearing his crucifixion skit. Even in that big gunfight in The Boondock Saints all I can hear is "Yah see you Judas, you're gettin' on mah tits."

I like the serial killer thing, its a nice return to form for the franchise, especially when the 'X' side of the story starts to come through. The story is tense and the scenes are all well shot, the music is atmospheric and broody.

Like the previous movie Skinner is almost completely superfluous to the story, slightly less so this time around but the part could easily have been played by Xzibit or one of the dozen or so FBI extras hanging around and trying not to look at the camera.

Biggest complaint is that Mulder should have kept the beard or David Duchovny should have went on a diet.

Rating: C (If you are a longtime fan of the series then feel free to change that to a B, I won't begrudge you it)

The Dark Knight

Well, its about time for another Batman movie. Every couple of years the only really good superhero franchise has to be milked to make up for the general mediocrity that otherwise condemns the genre. I am aware that whilst I say that there are also a couple of sour grapes in the otherwise ripe fruit basket of the franchise.

Batman Forever starred Val Kilmer in yet another of his Most Wooden Actor Of The Year roles opposite Ace Ventura in a Gotham that could have been spawned by any 1970's pornographer. I'm being harsh, in the actual role of Batman Val Kilmer is actually quite good, it's only the directing (thanks Joel Schumacher), production and inclusion of the God-awful Chris O'Donnell that really make me dislike this movie.

Batman and Robin took everything that I hate about Batman Forever and then put Arnold Schwarzenegger in the middle of it all as one of the most preposterous villains of Gotham. And they gave the Batsuit nipples.

So, rushing past this tripe we come to Batman Begins. The franchise was saved in a delightfully dark manner that captured the very essence of decay and despair in Gotham and the darker side of Batman. Christian Bale, one of the true method actors of our time is perfect for the role of the Billionaire Playboy by day, masked vigilante by night Batman.

From the first hour of The Dark Knight I was beginning to feel that the movie had perhaps been mis-titled. "Joker: Also Starring Batman" might have been more appropriate. But don't be under any illusion, that is not an insult to the film.

Batman as a character has already been well developed, what with a back catalogue of comics and previous movies no longer being counted as canon it is safe to say that everyone gets the idea. Batman Begins was just there to refresh the concept of Batman, to bring his old origin story into the modern age (and the movie representation is far closer to the comic origin than Tim Burton's attempt was).

The Dark Knight focuses more on the other characters in the story, the Joker, Harvey Dent, Rachel etc, and it all works perfectly. We didn't need to be told who Batman was and so were given plenty of time to experience the growth and development of the supporting cast. And I really can find no fault in any of their performances.

I don't want to give away any of the story, that's not my job, but I will tell you that Aaron Eckhardt is superb opposite Christian Bale, and for his final performance Heath Ledger has shown what a real talent he was. The character of the Joker has the same nutty personality that we have come to expect since Jack Nicholson first donned the lipstick, but Heath Ledger brings such an undeniably sinister undertone that you can't help but love it.

Technically we have three DC villains in The Dark Knight, but unlike that bukkake session that was Spiderman 3 in which Sam Raimi tried to satisfy everyone in a great cinematic circle jerk but ended up only giving a phenomenally unsatisfying experience, this one actually works well. One gets defeated relatively early, one is the main antagonist and the other... well, its hard to really think of him as a "bad guy" in the strictest sense. You'll know what I mean after having seen it.

There are plenty of OhMyFuckingGod I can't believe that he just did that ROFL moments, and I am not just referring to Batman or the Joker when I say that, The Dark Knight manages to give all the supporting cast depth, something which is shockingly rare in modern cinema.

Some of the dialogue is just as astounding as it's delivery, but then it was written by Jonathan Nolan and his brother Christoper. One we already know to be the man who rejuvenated the franchise, the other (Jonathan) boasts 'Memento' and 'The Prestige' as his previous writing credits.

As far as complaints go, the BatBike is a fucking wank concept from the moment that you first see it, and then it appears throughout the movie. That's my second biggest gripe.

In summary, The Dark Knight is a fantastic film marred only by the most pants-on-head retarded closing monologue that I have ever heard since Michael Bay's Transformers.

Story great, directing great, production great, sound great, acting great, plot great. Closing monologue wank.

Rating: A

BloodRayne

...only kidding. I'm not actually going to sit down and watch this crap.

Rating: U (Automatic U because it's Uwe Boll. If anyone wishes to dispute my rating I will don the Malcom in 'Clockwork Orange' gear and try to sit through it and give more detailed assessment, but you better make a bloody convincing argument for it. Don't go trying to appeal to my ego either, I'm not that fucking dumb).

Snakes On A Plane

Well it had to happen eventually.

For pretty much all of my life I have been a fan of film, a 1000+ dvd library is a testament to that (I truly dread the forthcoming obsolescence when the next big thing comes around, and don't even try to tell me that Blu-Ray is the next big thing, the quality improvement is not great enough to warrant such accolade). In my early teens I discovered a love for the old B-Movies of the 50s and 60s, ie Them, War Of The Worlds, and some movie involving giant mutant killer snails that I can't actually remember the name of (I suspect that it was called 'They').

I even like most modern B-Movies. Lake Placid (commonly known as Lake Shite amongst my friends) I actually quite enjoyed. 8 Legged Freaks, awesome. Slither, pure gold. I think that you can see where I am going with this. The very definition of a B-Movie is some preposterous monster situation being fitted into a real life scenario.

With that in mind you have to take SOAP as a B-Movie, and it is. And it is quite great. People mainly hate this movie because they were expecting a Hollywood blockbuster starring Samuel L Jackson as James T Hardass, a man so cold bloodedly awesome that the snakes would shy away from the very sight of him lest they become lethargic and weak (reptiles being cold blooded).

I like this movie for many reasons. It is a B-Movie through and through. The gay guy had a plot twist. The film-makers involved the fans in a nigh on unprecedented level. They added an extra 5 days of shooting so that Sammy J could swear more (he liked the fan-trailer line "I've had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane" so much that he insisted it be added). Plus to quote another line from a fan trailer, "It's called Snakes On A Plane because Samuel L Jackson said so!", that's right, he said that he would walk if they changed the name from that of the working title.

It's your typical B-Movie fare really, a bit of implausible back story in order to swiftly get to the monsters. Followed by a lot of death and despair. And swearing.

The acting generally isn't bad, the comic moments are nice, the action is good. For everything else I have to refer you back to the fact that it is a B-Movie and meant to be implausible.

Overall, I like Snakes On A Plane and I think that you will too so long as you take it as a B-Movie (you may have noticed that I am trying to stress this fact). If you are expecting some Hollywood blockbuster/masterpiece I guarantee that you will be disappointed.

Rating: B (rather appropriately I think)

There Will Be Blood

Don't let the title fool you, there isn't that much, and what little there is could never be considered gratuitous enough to warrant such a title. I am well aware that this movie is based on the novel "Oil!" by Upton Sinclair and that it was the neighboring set to "No Country For Old Men" and I can only come to the conclusion that the combination of these to factors encouraged Paul Thomas Anderson to try and make the most pretentious movie possible.

I cannot fault the acting, but then how could you when Daniel Day Lewis is the lead, the plot itself is intensely satisfying and the script is good. The characters themselves are well developed, and you can appreciate their situation and motives.

Plus there are a couple of times when you really start wanting a particular thing to happen because you know that it is for the best, and then it does happen and you will smile. I'm sorry for being vague there but you are best experiencing those moments with virgin eyes just so that you can really appreciate how fucking sweet they are.

There, that's the praise out of the way.

The score of There Will Be Blood is a bit unusual, and I mean that in the sense that on many occasions it has little to do with what is actually happening on screen. I'm told that this is a subtle hint at the madness going on inside Daniel Plainview's head as he grows ever more greedy and lustful, but even that doesn't make sense most of the time.

Long drawn out camera shots and entire scenes with no dialogue or explanation. Yes I am smart enough to figure out that he was mining for silver when he happened upon his first well, but I see no reason why the entire cast should have their heads down and mouths shut as if they were in some Nazi concentration camp. That is not artful movie making, it is conceited, arrogant and unrealistic.

It is a sad blight upon the modern movie industry that directors are now so interested in filling their movies with such lengthy mundanities in the hope that some wizened old geriatric with a stick up his bum on the Cannes selection board will pick up the movie and nominate it for the Film To Masturbate Your Soul And Being Over. I'm willing to bet that James King said this movie is one of the movies of the year, but I find it hard to respect the opinion of a man who could sing such high praises for that P.O.S. Spiderman 3.

And speaking of James King leads me nicely into saying that there has been a lot of band wagon jumping on this movie, but don't let the sheep fool you, whilst well scripted and supremely well acted you will find yourself struggling to maintain interest throughout the movie.

There Will Be Blood is an over-rated movie, and the people who are holding it up to such high praise I can guarantee are the same people who point out to you just how much they like Citizen Kane, A Clockwork Orange and Foreign Movie With Subtitles.

Rating: C (And I'm truly disappointed to have to do so)

The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford

People seem to have been given this jewel encrusted crown handed down from God to be distributed among the masses as a sign that there really is a promised land that we can all aspire to through peace and love and gumdrops.

I think that they must be thinking of a different movie however because The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford is just boring. It wants to be epic and you can really feel it. If there is one blockbuster you see this year then TAOJJBTCRF wants to be that movie, and it has all the artsy camera angles and close-ups of Brad Pitt's left eye to prove it can be that movie.

I can't fault the performance of Brad Pitt, nor even does Casey Affleck leave himself open for abuse (if only his brother would try to do the same).

There are times when this could be a really inspired western, but then you're forced to watch another shot of clouds whipping by swiftly as the sun sets or random shots of trees because in the modern climate change obsessed world we need to be reminded that nature is a star too.

If you want to watch a good western get 3:10 To Yuma instead, it is shorter and better, The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford is just not worth the time investment. Alternatively you can watch the first half hour then skip ahead to the last half hour and you will still learn everything that you need to know to appreciate the ending (which actually isn't bad).

Rating: C

Hancock

Hancock is a movie that asks the all important question "How can we cash in on the most recent spate of superhero movies? And can we put Will Smith in it since he now draws more followers than God?"

Overall though, Hancock isn't a bad way to pass a couple of hours. The idea of a dick superhero is quite amusing and there are plenty of comic relief moments in the film, the one most prominently in my mind being when Hancock proves that he is a man of his word.

Will Smith gives an excellent performance that is mired only by some of the weaker dialogue and general lack of depth to the explanation of his origins. The story itself isn't bad, apart from the aforementioned lack of depth in places, and the movie is well paced. I must admit to giving a slight chuckle of glee when in one scene the music very briefly bore an uncanny resemblance to John Ottman's take on the Superman theme, that was a nice touch.

Without giving too much away I would wonder what exactly the antagonists thought that they were going to do at the end since they didn't know (or at least certainly had been given no opportunity to know) of Hancock's mandatory debilitating weakness, maybe they thought that they were just getting lucky.

The ending is just a little too happy happy for my taste, though it is nowhere near as intensely beams-of-sunlight-out-of-the-arse joyful as those face-melting last minutes of Mission Impossible 3.

Rating: B

3:10 To Yuma

3:10 To Yuma proves that there is still room for a Western in the testosterone fueled, sex obsessed realm of modern cinema.

The characters are genuinely deep and indeed I often found myself empathizing more with the anti hero Ben Wade (played by Russell Crowe) than with good guy Dan Evans (played by Christian Bale), it is an enjoyable reversal of roles. Particular note should be payed to the development of Christian Bale's character, Crowe has the most up-front emphasis but it always feels like you are just tapping the surface of the depths of Bale's Evans.

I cursed with joy upon the realization that Alan Tudyk played the role of the Doc, and even more so when I realized that Crowe's psychotic right-hand man was none other than Ben Foster, aka Spacker Dave in The Punisher. Foster's performance at times seems over the top compared to some of the more subtle characters but I see this as a good thing. To me it says that Wade (Crowe) saw that Charlie Prince (Foster) had the drive and personality to separate him from the other guns in the gang, that this was a person more creative or dynamic than the others.

There are no fancy pretensions towards a convoluted plot of ever changing loyalties, no eye catching special effects to give you that visual orgasm that George Lucas believes that our lives are so pitifully lacking, there is no secret mystery that entwines their fates together. This movie is about an honest rancher struggling to make ends meet who agrees to assist in the transportation of a dangerous outlaw to the nearest city in order to get payed enough to provide for his family, with the outlaw's gang in pursuit. 3:10 To Yuma proves that a simple, and almost cliched story can be told in such a way that the audience will appreciate it as if it were exploring virgin territory.

I am not on the whole a fan of westerns, mostly because I discovered the phaser before I discovered the six shooter, but even years ago in the height of my Star Trek obsession I did enjoy movies such as 'Unforgiven' and 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly'. 3:10 To Yuma can sit quite comfortably in these vaulted halls as a classic western, and in this author's opinion quite rightly so.

Rating: A

The Nines (aka The Nin9s)

Wow. Seriously, wow. Surreal, intelligent, utterly fascinating. I'm really not sure what else that I can say about this movie.

It's hard to say if this is one film or three. It is presented in three parts, with three completely different protagonists, all played by Ryan Reynolds, and played excellently I might add (but I've always said that he deserved better parts than he usually got). The characters in each story overlap in many details, and there are numerous subtle crossovers that link the three wholly unique stories together, the overall tale is as deftly woven as each individual character. I mean every character when I say that, the similarities that the characters share between stories create shocking differences in your perception of them for each tale, yet overall they are still basically the same person though in a different situation.

I can honestly say that for the first time a movie has made me really think about the story as it ends, and then keep thinking afterwards. This isn't a film for everybody, but those of you who do appreciate it will consider it to be something special. This is a phenomenal directorial debut for John August.

Like Donnie Darko I'm certain that this film won't have great rewatchability, after all how could it once you know how the last threads of this tapestry weave together? I'm also equally certain that this movie too will one day reach cult status, it doesn't have any of the iconic characters of Donnie Darko but like Donnie Darko it does have a story that was written for a cinema audience that could tell the difference between intelligence and pretension.

I really, really do not want to give away anything about the story, I try to give my reviews without spoiling the actual plot (though Indiana Jones ATKOTCS really deserved all the bile I spewed towards it and in retrospect I'm not sure that I was harsh enough). Like any movie that tries to bring us more than the usual Hollywood dross this needs to be experienced unsullied, and I think that you should try to experience it as so. As I said earlier, there are those who will not enjoy this film and there are those who will be captivated, I was one of the latter and I doubt that I'll be the only one.

Rating: A

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

**FAN BOYS BE WARNED- HEREIN BE SPOILERS**

I left the screening of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull and I tried to think of how I could best sum this film up in one word, and after a lot of deep thought the nominal word to describe this movie is 'Eeeehhhh'. It runs for over two hours and about half way through it really starts to feel like it.

The action sequences are great and the car chases are, well, fucking sweet frankly, but some of the dialogue is ropey at best and the story seems a complete departure for the franchise. Indiana Jones has always been about the adventurer namesake overcoming adversity in a quest to recover important artifacts, with just a tinge of the mythological or paranormal. Now its about aliens. Anyone remember how good the X-Files used to be until it came to be about UFOs every single week?

Its always amusing to revisit the fun times of McCarthy Era politics so I can't help but wonder how a top secret facility such as Hanger 51 (presumedly Area 51, since it's a secret base in the Nevada desert) could be so woefully undermanned that a Soviet strike force could waltz right in after dispatching a few intellectually challenged guards. Correct me if I am wrong but surely the defense of their most secret homeland facilities from Soviet insurgents was exactly why the US Government had their people shrouded in an atmosphere of paranoia and fear, could it really have been that easy to thwart the mighty US Military?

Some of the story mechanics were just dumb... ants forming an 'ant pyramid' in order to try and attack Kate Blanchett, half the cast going off 3 large waterfalls with nary a scratch nor broken limb to show for it, the Soviets apparently able to flawlessly track Dr Jones regardless of where in the world he happens to be and managing to maintain the secrecy of their sizable force no matter how remote an area the good doctor might be in. AND SCORPIONS DO NOT FUCKING ACT LIKE THAT ANY MORE THAN A SHREW DOES! Yes they look freaky as hell but I keep them as pets and I can say definitively that there is as much chance of scorpions randomly going for a creature TWENTY TIMES THEIR OWN SIZE as there is of me changing my name to Kareen and stalking the streets of Kettering in the hope of trading cheap tricks for heroin in order to satisfy my need for that daily dose of God's love pump.

I'm not even going to start on Indiana surviving a nuclear bomb by hiding in a lead lined fridge (I shit you not).

The cinematography is top notch, but then you would expect as much from Steven Spielberg, and as I say the action sequences/car chases are superb. But the general story is just weak bordering on the occasionally ludicrous, and I blame George Lucas entirely.

What annoys me the most is that I have read an interview with George Lucas and Steven Spielberg regarding this movie and they both openly admitted that the fans were going to hate it. Let me repeat that- George Lucas and Steven Spielberg KNEW that the fans would hate this movie. I find myself wondering why they decided to go ahead and make it rather than try to show their appreciation to the people who through devotion and lets not forget MONEY have kept this franchise alive all these years. Would it really have been so hard to write a story more in keeping with the fans' expectations? I'll give you one right now- Indiana Jones uncovers a gold plate engraved with Hebrew markings that lead to a lost temple along the borders of the Red Sea, the plate is a key that unlocks a hidden map room detailing the exact route to King Solomon's mines. Indiana is pursued by the Nazis (or the Soviets) for the valuable mineral wealth or some random mythical weapon of Solomon's.
There, I gave a potential storyline with less than five minutes of thought. Could it really have been that hard to give the fans what they wanted instead of ruining the franchise in the same way that he ruined Star Wars? There are times when I feel bad about insulting George Lucas, like when I hear about how he openly allows fan fiction and even provides materials for fan movies about the Star Wars universe. But then somehow it always comes back to the point where he says "Fuck the fans, this is my story and this is how it is. In the end they will still pay to see it."

Rating: F

Southland Tales

I browse the shelves of the local rental store looking for a film to waste a few hours on and come away with Southland Tales, a film I've never heard of before. Why?

Sarah Michelle Gellar - I've been wondering what she'd done since Cruel Intentions.
Dwayne Johnson - The Rock, he's amusing to watch even when its terrible. Maybe he'll punch a guy?
Sean William Scott - A third actor I've heard of, adding to the films credibility.
Directed by the Guy who did Donnie Darko - FUCKING SOLD

A few hours later I feel like I bought several magic beans that were not magic beans at all. Rather, they were regular beans bereft of any fantastical properties whatsoever. But thats not the whole story.

Speaking of story, this film has one... I think. Honestly its difficult to say given that between the impromptu musical performance by Justin Timberlake, religious overtones of suggesting The Rock is Jesus Christ 2.0 and the bizarre casting of John Lovitz as the most overtly evil character in the film its hard to focus on what the plot was. Actually thats a lie, I understood the plot perfectly once the last 15 minutes or so actually explained the preceding 2 hours of barely related gibberish, I just prefer to say I have no idea what was going on because I really don't like trying to comprehend pretentious over the top so-stupid-its clever satire bollocks because that would justify its use in other potentially annoying films.

To sum up everything I've said thus far, Southland Tales is a sorry mess of incoherence. It is an AWFUL film.

So why do I like it?

I'm not a huge fanboy for any of the actors, the plot is ludicrous at best, the CGI is shaky in places, the premise is dumb and so on and so forth. Honestly I could rant for hours about this film and its countless flaws.

Its simple, the film despite all the problems assosciated with it was still directed by the man who made Donnie Darko. The final scenes include a long stretching one-shot camera movement that contains no dialogue but great camerawork, perfectly chosen backing music and shows near every character in the film, telling you (without actually telling you) that shit is about to go down. Shortly after that there is a dance scene which reminded me of Darkos semi famous Sparkle Motion segment.

I confess to flicking through the DVD chapters again and again searching for my favourite parts from the film, despite the fact that as a whole its just a sorry mess. It has occasional flashes of brilliance that are ultimately wasted on a film that tries to say so much and instead blathers on to great extent about absolutely nothing at all.

If Southland Tales were simply terrible I could stop thinking about it, as it is... I worry that one day its going to be a cult classic.

Rating: D

American Gangster

I want to praise this movie, I really, really do want to give it a good rating. But realistically I wasn't blown away, perhaps it was built up too much for me or more likely I'm being harsh because I thought that the movie glossed over the actual gangster stuff a bit too often. Yes the limited scenes of violence on Denzel's part did help to intensify those scenes in which he was ultimately badass, but considering this is based on a real story I think that they could have portrayed his character a bit more realistically.

Please do not get me wrong, this is still a very enjoyable film and both Denzel and Crowe deliver powerful, believable performances and you will not be unsatisfied, I just thought that it wasn't enough.

(I also noticed that the World Trade Centre towers did not appear in a skyline shot which could potentially draw criticism but the movie is set over the period of the construction of the Twin Towers [author's own research] so this should be let slide).

Rating: C

Hitman

Actually not bad. Not great, but then great would be asking a lot from a video game translation. The main fault that I have with this film is that on several occasions some of the plot relevant factors of the characters undergo sudden and inexplicable changes, this doesn't really interfere with the flow of the film but does leave a certain 'where the hell did that come from' feeling. There are a few nice leans towards the game origins (such as 47 crashing through a window behind two kids actually playing Hitman), and as an action movie it does satisfy. It's certainly better than that POS 'The Transporter'.

Thankfully at no point does it mention 'genetic engineering' even though the dvd sleeve does, that term is a movie cliche that I would rather see die a quick and still agonizing death.

Rating: C

Rain Man

It isn't all that. Dustin Hoffman puts in a very believable performance which drives forward the plot of Tom Cruise being a complete arse for three quarters of the film before undergoing an instantaneous change of character to completely care for his brother. You can watch and enjoy Rain Man but don't expect any life changing moments.

Rating: C

In Bruges

Very quotable with a good mixture of comedy and some genuinely emotional moments, Colin Farrell impresses. The story itself is excellently told, with a few interesting plot twists and quality score, being well paced and actually establishing the setting of Bruges are also good points. I enjoyed it, as did Vastian who insisted that I write this now rather than take my time to think out a proper review (he can be so whiney), I'll probably improve upon this at a later date.


Rating: B

Stardust

I really enjoyed Stardust and it made me, an eternal cynic, feel good about myself and even a bit of the outside world for a while. The story is great and the cinematography is faultless, so I'm giving it 5 out of 5. If anyone disagrees with me you may feel free to do so, but then you are reading this for my opinion and not your own so 'ha'.

Rating: A

House Of The Dead

Made me want to hurt myself, and not in the 'Hey lets try some of that kinky stuff you see on the internet' kind of way.

Rating: U

A Knights Tale

Surprisingly good, there are a few genuine lawl (note my witty use of interweb vernacular) moments but it admittedly does lack substance. Makes for a fun night in (I surpressed the urge to add the 'K' there) if you don't feel like watching anything too serious.

I'll do a proper review at some point.

Rating: B

Superbad

The scenes with the cops are good, apart from that Superbad is indeed super bad. Yes I fucking went there.

Rating: E

No Country For Old Men

Has a pretty awesome antagonist, apart from that I can't really see what all the fuss is about.

I'm being brief because this movie really is that uninspiring, and Tommy Lee Jones is more or less completely superfluous to the entire film.

Rating: D

Alien Versus Predator: Requiem

Far better than AVP.

AVPR picks up immediately where AVP left off but then proceeds to apologise profusely for the continuity errors glorified by Paul Anderson (10 minute aliens anyone?).

One thing worth mentioning is that AVPR has the feel of a survival horror, the aliens are proper badass as opposed to being a threat to everything but the main protagonist.

The lone predator is a nice allusion to the Predator franchise, and like those Predators doesn't look like a brick shit house with a head but instead like a body with a brick shit house on top. The concept for this Predator appears to be something along the lines of an Elder or security operative cleaning up a hunt that has gone badly wrong.

There is some genuine tension in this movie and the film makers clearly weren't afraid to push the envelope when it came to showing just how genuinely horrible the aliens actually are, though they might only have been doing that to be gratuitous.

Overall I would have to say that I enjoyed AVPR, it has left some hope for the franchise.

Rating: C

Cloverfield

Cloverfield seems to be getting a somewhat mixed reception, I believe that people having been making unfair parallels with The Blair Witch Project.

Overall I would have to say that I found Cloverfield to be a very immersive film, and was enjoyable to watch. There are a few genuinely tense moments and you really do want the protagonists to come through in one piece. I liked how the cameraman for most of the movie 'Hud' (a nice gamer allusion I thought) was accidentally recording over a home movie about the lead dude being so in love and now ultimately heartbroken.

I'm trying not to spoil anything because a movie of this nature really needs to be appreciated with a blank slate, just so that the illusion is maintained.

Particular note should be paid to the the end credit sequence, it works well with the tone of the movie.

Rating: B

Oh, not an alien.

I Am Legend

You wouldn't think that a movie involving crazed sub-human vampire cannibal monsters could be drab, but I Am Legend has managed to succeed against all odds at being just that. There is no problem with the acting, Will Smith has been around for long enough now to do it well, but the general pacing of the movie left me wanting more. And the ending was a cop-out. You can pass the tedium though by playing 'Spot the Product Placement', it doesn't quite surpass Transformers 2007 but bless it, it really does try.

Without spoiling things, there is a point about 70mins (give or take) into the film in which they really should have added an extra 20 minutes of despair just to really show how bad things had gotten for him, either that or cut about 20 minutes of pointless babbling from earlier in the movie and stick it into the part I am referring to.

I also thought that the cannibal vampires deserved more screen time, if only to elaborate on the developing culture of the Infected that was only hinted upon by the male mutant recognizing Will Smith's character as the fellow who had captured his mate. The whole point of 'I Am Legend' was supposed to be that in the end Robert Neville was the monster who was killing the 'Still Alive/Infected' while they slept during the day, he is a monster of legend to them as vampires were to man.

Rating: D