Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

**FAN BOYS BE WARNED- HEREIN BE SPOILERS**

I left the screening of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull and I tried to think of how I could best sum this film up in one word, and after a lot of deep thought the nominal word to describe this movie is 'Eeeehhhh'. It runs for over two hours and about half way through it really starts to feel like it.

The action sequences are great and the car chases are, well, fucking sweet frankly, but some of the dialogue is ropey at best and the story seems a complete departure for the franchise. Indiana Jones has always been about the adventurer namesake overcoming adversity in a quest to recover important artifacts, with just a tinge of the mythological or paranormal. Now its about aliens. Anyone remember how good the X-Files used to be until it came to be about UFOs every single week?

Its always amusing to revisit the fun times of McCarthy Era politics so I can't help but wonder how a top secret facility such as Hanger 51 (presumedly Area 51, since it's a secret base in the Nevada desert) could be so woefully undermanned that a Soviet strike force could waltz right in after dispatching a few intellectually challenged guards. Correct me if I am wrong but surely the defense of their most secret homeland facilities from Soviet insurgents was exactly why the US Government had their people shrouded in an atmosphere of paranoia and fear, could it really have been that easy to thwart the mighty US Military?

Some of the story mechanics were just dumb... ants forming an 'ant pyramid' in order to try and attack Kate Blanchett, half the cast going off 3 large waterfalls with nary a scratch nor broken limb to show for it, the Soviets apparently able to flawlessly track Dr Jones regardless of where in the world he happens to be and managing to maintain the secrecy of their sizable force no matter how remote an area the good doctor might be in. AND SCORPIONS DO NOT FUCKING ACT LIKE THAT ANY MORE THAN A SHREW DOES! Yes they look freaky as hell but I keep them as pets and I can say definitively that there is as much chance of scorpions randomly going for a creature TWENTY TIMES THEIR OWN SIZE as there is of me changing my name to Kareen and stalking the streets of Kettering in the hope of trading cheap tricks for heroin in order to satisfy my need for that daily dose of God's love pump.

I'm not even going to start on Indiana surviving a nuclear bomb by hiding in a lead lined fridge (I shit you not).

The cinematography is top notch, but then you would expect as much from Steven Spielberg, and as I say the action sequences/car chases are superb. But the general story is just weak bordering on the occasionally ludicrous, and I blame George Lucas entirely.

What annoys me the most is that I have read an interview with George Lucas and Steven Spielberg regarding this movie and they both openly admitted that the fans were going to hate it. Let me repeat that- George Lucas and Steven Spielberg KNEW that the fans would hate this movie. I find myself wondering why they decided to go ahead and make it rather than try to show their appreciation to the people who through devotion and lets not forget MONEY have kept this franchise alive all these years. Would it really have been so hard to write a story more in keeping with the fans' expectations? I'll give you one right now- Indiana Jones uncovers a gold plate engraved with Hebrew markings that lead to a lost temple along the borders of the Red Sea, the plate is a key that unlocks a hidden map room detailing the exact route to King Solomon's mines. Indiana is pursued by the Nazis (or the Soviets) for the valuable mineral wealth or some random mythical weapon of Solomon's.
There, I gave a potential storyline with less than five minutes of thought. Could it really have been that hard to give the fans what they wanted instead of ruining the franchise in the same way that he ruined Star Wars? There are times when I feel bad about insulting George Lucas, like when I hear about how he openly allows fan fiction and even provides materials for fan movies about the Star Wars universe. But then somehow it always comes back to the point where he says "Fuck the fans, this is my story and this is how it is. In the end they will still pay to see it."

Rating: F