Sunday, 31 January 2010

Brokeback Mountain

Yes I watched it.

And oddly enough it hasn't made me gay.

It did make me bored however.

Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal play two wholly unlikeable characters who become ranch hands up a mountain and then decide to get their gay on. Probably out of boredom.

If it weren't for all the scenes of Jake Giuliani going up and down Heath Ledger's mountain then this would very much be a Made For TV movie, what with the paper thin plot, grating soundtrack, and uninteresting camera work.

Let me sum up the motivations of each character for you:

Heath Ledger plays a self obsessed prick who is broke, gets a job as a ranch hand, shags a bloke to give him something to do (seriously, they go from 'God I'm bored' to 'Hey want to try something?' without any real 'whats your sign?' getting to know one another moments), then Heath gets married, neglects his wife and kid, and keeps running out for man love.

Jake Jellybelly plays a guy who basically wants to have his cock and eat it. He signs on as a ranch hand, shows his bum to Heath Ledger and Heath falls or something, then he goes out gets married to a well-to-do lady because he likes the idea of having money, and keeps running out for man love.

Tensions run high because Jake TootiFrooty is secretly cheating on Heath, and Heath suspects that someone else has been dipping his sausage in the brown sauce. It's really dragged out yet the only things that happen are that Heath continues to neglect his wife and Jake Jamjar continues to be a douche.

At last finally Jake Juxtaposition gets beaten to death by intolerant cowboys who don't like them hoe-moe-sexuals gaying up their rodeos, or something along those lines. I was thrilled because with the death of one of the major characters this late on meant only one thing, this movie was nearly over.

And still it was dragged out.

And then it ended.

I'm told that Brokeback Mountain isn't a 'gay' movie, but a movie about gays for straight people. Frankly I wouldn't recommend it for either, it's just dull.

Rating: E

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